Fairhaven Church | Joan's Thoughts

Joan's Thoughts

A collection of thoughts from Joan Hoffmann, Pastor of Single Adult Ministries. Enjoy!

7/15/10

About once a month or so I have a variation of the following conversation by phone, email, or in person.

He - "Well, I'm looking for a good woman and I figured church is a place to find one."

Me - "What do you mean by a good woman?"

He - "Well, you know, one who hasn't been around a lot."

Me - "And what kind of man do you suppose a woman like that would be looking for?"

He – blank stare as he realizes that he is asking for something he can't offer in return

These conversations always drive home two points to me. The first is we often have standards for a potential mate that we fail to uphold for ourselves. A man wants a good woman who is "pure" or at least not "too experienced" but he has not guarded his own sexuality (or vice versa). Does it bother anyone else when someone comes "shopping" for a "good deal" when they themselves haven't paid the price?

The second point is that we instinctively know that sex is an intimate act whose bonding strength gets diluted every time it is shared with a new person. Most people have a desire to find someone with whom they can experience profound and private passion. In other words, they want their intimacy to be unadulterated by past experiences.

Mark Driscoll, whose teaching we are currently following at the Tuesday night singles gathering puts it this way: A woman should be a private garden, not a public one. The one man-one woman intimacy as God intended is spoiled when sex becomes a publically traded commodity rather than one that is only offered through commitment and marriage. A private garden can be fully and freely enjoyed; one that has footprints from intruders has its beauty marred.

In today's verse, Song of Solomon 4:16, Solomon's bride says, "It's time! We're married, the garden is open." The couple celebrates the new level of closeness they are able to enjoy without thoughts of "Who else has been here?"

Something to think about...Ladies, is it time to close your garden? Consider posting a big sign that says, PRIVATE KEEP OUT. Men, is it time to stop walking through gardens that do not belong to you? Put up a sign that says NO TRESSPASSING. Remind yourself that one day, if you long to have a private garden of your own, you must begin to protect it today.

7/1/10

For Ladies Only

I realize that by titling this thought "For Ladies Only" that men will continue to read on, perhaps even with more interest than usual. Guys, that's OK, in fact, I'd love to hear your feedback on what I am about to share with the women. So everyone read on...

Last night we had another packed house for our LoveLife series. One of the table discussion questions was, "Ladies, can you describe to men how important it is to you to feel that a man is protecting your sexuality before marriage?"

I was surprised to hear how many women believe that there are no men who actually want to protect a woman's purity; that men in general expect to go to bed with a woman on the first or second date. I had to take a moment to reflect on my own dating experiences before coming to the defense of the many upstanding men I know. "Not true!" I want to declare, but I know for many women their experiences have been quite different from my own. When they say "no men" want to protect them, what they mean is that none of the men they have dated have taken this stance.

Why not? I say this as gently as I can, ladies, but many of you have only dated men who expect to have sex with you because that is who you attract. There are many Christian men who honor women, who want to remain pure until marriage, and who would like help from women they date to do so. If these men aren't asking you out, or if you are only pursued by men who are more interested in what they can get than in who you are, then it's time to look at yourself. Good guys are out there…the question is how to attract one and avoid those who have less than honorable intentions. (After all, who likes to fight off a man at the end of a date?)

For ease of discussion, let's call these types Mr. Goodfellow and Mr. Bedfellow. Mr. Goodfellow would like to get to know a woman without the pressure of a sexual involvement and sees his role as the leader in protecting the purity of a dating relationship. (Yes, gals, these men are out there!) Mr. Bedfellow truly believes a goal in dating is to go to bed with a woman as quickly as possible.

With our two types of men defined (there is a range, these are just examples) let's distinguish between how you might attract either of the two types. Here are common "attraction" behaviors that women use followed by who will tend to be attracted to them.

Hanging out where men are – if it's a bar, you'll attract a Mr. Bedfellow. Mr. Goodfellow, even if he is at the bar, will probably think you're there to find a bed fellow and won't give you a second thought. If it's a gym, sporting event, or church, then who you attract will be determined by what follows.
Chasing men - as in initiating conversations about getting together, showing up uninvited, dropping hints, etc. Mr. Bedfellow will assume you are desperate and looking for "love"; he'll be happy to take you out a time or two, or maybe more if he continues to achieve his goal of sexual conquest. Mr. Goodfellow may or may not respond to desperate attempts. If he's feeling a little desperate himself, he may ask you out, but if you don't quickly let him take the lead he'll either feel hounded and back away or you'll have a passive man on your hands. Most Mr. Goodfellows want to be the initiator and pursuer in a relationship, so ladies, let them do so.
Flirting - Honestly, both types of guys respond to flirting, but unless it is very light and non-sexual, Mr. Goodfellow may feel pressured by it. Mr. Bedfellow, on the other hand, will often see if he can escalate the flirtation to sexual banter. If you participate in dialogue containing any sexual innuendo, Mr. Bedfellow will make a lot of assumptions about you. If you agree to date a man you have been suggestive with verbally, you can bet he will expect you to do more than talk.
Dressing seductively – Once again, both men will respond. A low-cut shirt that shows some cleavage will go unnoticed only by men who are comatose! But here's the difference in our two men: Mr. Bedfellow sees immodest dress as advertising future fun; Mr. Goodfellow looks but wonders if advertising means a woman is easy and therefore NOT the type of woman he is looking for. (Remember, he would like a woman who will help him stay pure, not tempt him.)

Ladies, if you aren't attracting Mr. Goodfellows and would like to weed out the Bedfellows, I suggest adopting some new practices:

Be very open about your faith – and make your expectations known. You will scare away Mr. Bedfellow, but Mr. Goodfellow will appreciate your forthrightness.
Quit looking for attention for the sake of attention – Mr. Bedfellow and Mr. Goodfellow both take note of where you go on Friday nights, who you flirt with, and what you wear. Do nothing that hints of being desperate or needy, no matter how much you may want to find a man. Do not call. Do not text. Do not manipulate. Enjoy being who you are and carry yourself with respect.
Dress modestly – the Mr. Bedfellows will drop away like flies (see today's verse, 1 Timothy 2:9)
Be kind to everyone – the Mr. Goodfellows are watching.
Do good works – develop your character by serving others.
Ask your friends for input about why you seem to be attracting the wrong type.
Don't give up or give in. Patience is a virtue. Do not settle for a "better than nothing" relationship with a Mr. Bedfellow…it will only damage you reputation.
Watch out for bitterness, it is a repellant to males! Give the nice guys in your life a chance rather than lumping them in with the "jerks".
Pray – Ask for wisdom. Ask for patience. Let God reassure you that he is watching over you and in control. Ask him to show you how you might be contributing to the Mr. Bedfellows in your life. Then ask for his help in making any changes.

That's it, ladies. For those of you who were complaining about men last night, I encourage you to try something different and see what happens. Some of you have been catching the wrong fish simply because you have been using the wrong bait. Clothe yourself with graciousness, self-control, and good works…the Mr. Goodfellows will notice!

6/17/10

Last night as I was driving home from our singles gathering, I began to feel like I was a character in a scary movie. My heavy SUV weaved across the lane as gusts of wind shoved at it. Branches and leaves tumbled along side and in front of me on the road. Flashes of lightning revealed bowing trees and wildly swinging power lines. By the time I left the suburbs and was on a country road, I realized that leaves were passing me, traveling at greater speed than I dared. Briefly I considered calling home to ask if there were any tornados in the area, but decided to keep my hands on the wheel, pray, and get to safety quickly.

Only solar-powered landscape lighting dimly glowed in the yards as I approached my neighborhood; the houses were dark. I realized my garage door opener would not function due to the power outage, so I called to ask my family to open the front door for me so I could dash into the house and avoid the impending rain.

Once inside the drama was over. My oldest sons had gathered and lit candles, and my husband was armed with a flashlight. Everything wasn't back to normal, but at least my fright had dissipated.

This morning I wandered about the yard to look for damage. A few larger limbs came down, but for the most parts the yard was simply scattered with small twigs and leaves. However, it will all have to be cleaned up before we can mow the lawn.

Emotional, financial, and spiritual storms in our lives can mimic the physical ones. The experience can be surreal, as if we are in a movie. Is this really happening to me? We can become frightened, unsure if an even more threatening "tornado" will overtake us. We debate with ourselves whether or not we should ask anyone for help, but all too often decide to simply pray and push forward in our own strength toward what we hope will be a place of rest and safety. When we're forced to ask for help we often find a place of respite, but it takes a while for things to seem normal again. Often there is debris left behind that litters our lives. We have to clean up before we can move on.

No one gets through life without storms. Some are due to our own sin; some are due to others' sins against us; some have no explanation at all. But we don't have to go through any of them alone. Our God is always present, always near, always ready to listen and help. Our Christian friends can also anchor us as we are tossed about. Just knowing that we are not alone is a comfort. Relationships don't get rid of our storms, but they certainly help support us through them.

More storms are coming. Be prepared. If you don't have a community, come and get connected with us. Make some friends who you can call when the winds start to blow or when you need help clearing the leftover debris. And remember, you aren't alone. God is always with you, waiting to hear from you, whether or not there is a tornado nearby. Find safety in his arms.

6/3/10

Sowing

This past weekend I took a long bike ride through the rolling hills on small country roads near my home. Passing farmhouses and rows of seedling crops reminded me of growing up in Iowa, where the scenery on the way to Grandma's house became less visible as the corn grew higher and higher through the summer.

Each spring farmers plow their fields, plant seeds and wait. Almost magically, the dark brown fields become green overnight, and as the tender corn and soy bean plants poke up their heads toward the sun, the famers' meticulous sowing efforts show visible results. Straight rows of evenly spaced plants spread for miles.

Imagine how surprised passers-by would be by a field where almost no seeds sprouted, or where the rows zigzagged randomly, or where plants grew in clumps and clusters. Careless sowing would yield such a crop, but I have never seen a field where a farmer took less than the utmost care when planting. After all, farming is a business with many uncontrollable weather and pest variables; if a farmer is to obtain a profitable yield, he must control what he can and sow with precision.

As part of the Generous Life series, we have studied generous sowing, but like a farmer, we must not confuse putting down a lot of seed with sowing generously. The parable of the sower (see Mark 4:3) shows us how easily good seeds can get wasted. Not only must adequate seeds be planted in good soil, but they also must be planted with adequate spacing; they must be in straight rows; and they must be allowed to grow long enough before attempting to reap a crop.

As I passed those rows of corn on my bike ride, I contemplated some of the sowing that singles do believing they will reap a good crop in relationships with the opposite sex. Sometimes they throw out plenty of good seed (their time and energy), but the seed lands on ground that won't produce: the other person isn't ready for a relationship for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he is still married, or she hasn't worked through a healing process, or he hasn't dealt with some destructive issues. Without fertile ground, the seeds are wasted.

Sometimes the seeds of relationship are sown on good ground, but they aren't planted carefully and in order. Rather than building a relationship through intentional steps, it is allowed to "naturally" happen. Clumps of fruit appear here and there, but the randomness of the planting leads to a shaky relational foundation.

Other times great care is taken to plant the seeds in just the right order, but the rows aren't straight and even. A couple may be appear to be pacing themselves through the steps of building a strong relationship but make sinful choices that bend and twist the rows a bit. The fruit of the relationship may appear, the field is green, but when it comes time for the harvest, having crooked rows makes it difficult to reap and enjoy the fruit later.

And if the ground, spacing, and row alignment are all right, sometimes the timing of reaping is off. The seeds aren't allowed to mature before reaping is done. A couple who has planted their relationship seeds well but rushes to marriage without letting the seeds of romance and deep love fully mature will reap unripe fruit.

Sowing plenty of relational seed is important, but equally as important are the ground, the spacing, the alignment, and the timing of reaping. Before you begin a relationship, think about your sowing and consider these factors. Take a long bike ride, look at the fields, and let them inspire you. You can enjoy a bountiful harvest in relationships when you sow like a good farmer.

5/20/10

A Generous Attitude

We are in the midst of a series at Fairhaven entitled, “A Generous Life” through which we are being encouraged to give of what we have to others, whether it is our time, attention, finances, resources, skills, love or other blessing. I’ve enjoyed being creative in my thinking about ways that I can be generous to others, but I have to admit that so far most of my thinking has been around the “items” I’d like to be generous with, like the accumulation of furniture, bedding, and other household items that are stored in my garage due to the combining of households when my husband and I married last year. It’s not hard to be generous when you can’t park a car in your garage!

More difficult to part with are the things I covet for myself that aren’t “extras.” Money never seems to be extra, although we have plenty and do try to be generous with it. Time is always in short supply and is something I guard even more closely than my money! But as I’ve prayed and thought, I’ve discovered that I have something that is often harder for me to give than either my time or money, but which I can have in ample supply if I so choose. What is that gift, that blessing that I can bestow on others in abundance without running out? It is a generous attitude.

Sure, this gift is easy to give to the “right” people. My attitude is quite generous with people who are friendly and helpful and kind. In Romans 5, Paul says someone might even die for a good man. I’m not sure I could go that far, but for a good man it doesn’t take much thought or effort for me to be generous with my attitude.

Where I am challenged to be more generous is in choosing how to respond to those who are unkind, or distracted, or incompetent, or different. I am learning not to make assumptions about people or let their attitude, behavior, or words influence my attitude. I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I choose to believe that my generosity toward them is the most available way I can demonstrate the love of God. That can be very hard indeed.

The clerk at the store who murmurs a sullen “hello” as she checks me through the line…do I simply say “Good morning” as lifelessly in return? Do I complain to myself about the poor quality of service? Do I let her attitude affect mine? Or do I react generously, allowing the Holy Spirit within me direct a light-hearted conversation that extends to her not only a warm smile but also a heap of kindness?

The opportunities to be generous with my attitude are endless throughout my day. The waiter who fumbles our order and can’t seem to manage his tables, the person who corners me and talks endlessly, the stranger who aimlessly wanders through the church offices, my son who brushes me off when I try to connect…maybe they’re all simply having a bad day. And maybe this will be my only chance to be generous and reflect the heart of Jesus to them.

As I’ve become more conscious of these moments I’m finding that my generous attitude really affects others, and they in turn often have an attitude adjustment, too. The harried waiter takes a moment to smile back; the endless talker feels heard and calms down; my son comes to find me to give me a hug. But even if no one else’s attitude visibly changes, I know I have honored God and others by extending my generosity. And somehow, I am much happier when I make that choice. In that sense, I have become a benefactor of my own generosity.

If you have been inspired by the “Generous Life” series and are searching for a way to meet the needs of others, why not consider becoming more generous with your attitude? It will cost you nothing and you have a limitless supply to give away. You never have to look very far to find someone who could benefit from it. And you will find yourself blessed in return. Go forth and be generous!

5/6/10

Are we begging for the wrong thing?

The story in Acts 3 of the lame beggar who was healed by God through Peter has always intrigued me for a number of reasons. First of all, it touches me that a man who was born crippled had such kind friends who would carry him to the temple each day so that he could beg from those who passed. I wonder if I would be so blessed if I became incapacitated tomorrow.

That his friends “parked” him at the gate called the Beautiful Gate also fascinates me…was that their way of proclaiming that despite his disabilities he still was a beautiful person? Or was it meant to be a contrast, an almost guilt-inducing site that would motivate people to give? One can only guess.

But what I really wonder about is why the beggar asked Peter and John for money as they entered the temple that day, and if Peter was a bit angered by his request. You see, I’m thinking that if the beggar had been at the gate of the temple every day watching and listening to all that happened and to the conversations of those who passed, surely he must have known about Jesus. (Remember, this fellow was only crippled, not blind or deaf!) It is likely that he witnessed Jesus clearing the temple of the money changers, that he heard him teach, or that he saw a miracle or two. And certainly with all of the commotion that surrounded the new Christians following Christ’s death and resurrection along with their continued temple attendance, this beggar could not have been oblivious to the power of God at work in the lives of others.

So why would he only ask for alms? Did he believe he was not “beautiful” enough to receive something more from God? Did he take comfort in the life of begging which was known to him and choose not to invite change into his life?

Peter’s response demanded that the beggar do something different. “Look at us!” The beggar returned their gaze, still expecting a coin or two. Do you suppose at that point Peter might have wanted to add, “Why don’t you ask for what you really need? You know there is more. Go for it!”

Instead, Peter graciously says he’ll give what he has, which is exactly what the beggar needs. In the name of Jesus, he tells the beggar to rise up and walk. Peter lifts the beggar up, and indeed his feet and ankles, which had been unable to support his weight, were healed. Completely. Can’t you see him jumping up and down and praising God? What a miracle!

I think all too often I’m like the beggar. I ask God for something that will make my life only a bit more bearable, something that will help me a little but still allow me to continue in my role as a beggar. I forget all of the miracles I’ve seen Jesus perform. I forget the stories I’ve heard of changed lives through God’s abundant power. I even forget what God has already done in my life. Poor me. I sit at the gate and ask God for a little coin or two to help me get through my day, instead of asking him to pick me up and strengthen me so that I can leap and shout.

But occasionally, when I take the time to listen and not just pout, I hear Jesus say, “Look at me! Ask me for what you really need. I can give you what will change your life completely, not what will leave you begging another day.” Really? Me? And I reach out and take his hand…and then we dance.

Sometimes I see other people as beggars. They “sit at the gate” complaining about the same problem over and over. The solution is at hand, but they choose to ignore it, or believe they don’t deserve it. The seat at the entrance to the temple feels safer than the risk to enter in. That saddens me. They may not understand when I refuse to place a coin in their hand. It’s not what they need. “Look at Jesus! He’s waiting to lift you up. Take his hand!”

What do you need? Have you become comfortable begging just to get by? Do you believe God is capable of giving you more? Do you believe he loves you enough to give it to you? Is it too risky to ask for what you need?

Take a chance...you know what God can do. Believe he will. Ask. Look. Reach Receive. Dance. Celebrate.

It’s OK to beg God; just be sure to beg for what you need.

4/22/10

Why First Dates Are Big Deals

Most marriage-minded singles in Christian circles are familiar with today’s Bible verse (2 Cor. 6:14). They tend to agree that marrying someone outside of their faith would not only be disobedient but also pose great problems in a marriage. However, these same singles often willingly agree to a date a known non-Christian without considering the future consequences. In short, they fail to see what a big deal even a first date with a non-Christian is. (And may I preface my comments by saying that only rarely might a Christian go on a first date without knowledge of the other person’s faith, but that in most circumstances this could and should be ascertained prior to date #1.)

Why is a first date a big deal? Because it tends to set the ground rules for what is acceptable and unacceptable for each person. Let’s play the tape forward and consider the various ways this could play out when a Christian (C) goes out on a date with a known Non-Christian (NC).

Because the differences in faith are already known, NC will assume that C does not put faith in a partner very high on his/her list of priorities. In fact, C may value faith highly but not make that readily known, assuming that there is no harm in a date or two.

But even if a second date never happens, C has already put his/her reputation at risk. NC may spread the word that C will date NCs, or perhaps C will be simply be seen out with NC thus advertising C’s standards (or lack thereof.) Additionally, lowering standards for a first date may be an indication of loneliness, neediness, or boredom…none of which are fair reasons for accepting a date in the first place.

If NC asks for/shows interest in a second date, C begins to be in an awkward situation. If C has no interest in another date, C could kindly decline. But if C tells NC a second date is out due to faith differences, NC will ask why the first date was acceptable. Was C being deceptive? Was NC simply used by C for a night out to fill an empty spot in C’s social calendar?

And what if C finds NC very attractive on date #1 and decides to unwisely accept date #2? Saying “yes” to more dates puts pressure on C to justify to him/herself continuing the relationship. It also sends the continued message to NC that their faith difference is unimportant to C.

With each successive date, both NC and C minimize the role of faith in their relationship until a tipping point comes. That point may be when NC and C realize they are “falling in love.” It may be when the topic of marriage is brought up. Or it may be when NC pressures C for a sexual relationship. However it happens, C eventually realizes that a choice has to be made. One choice is to end the relationship due to the faith difference; the pain of a break up is suffered by both C and NC. Additionally, the longer the relationship has been, the angrier NC will be with C for not having been more honest sooner.

The second choice is to move ahead with the relationship with the false hope that NC will change. This is a dangerous choice for two reasons. The first is that it puts pressure on NC to become something they are not in order to become acceptable to another person rather than changing out of a desire for God. The second danger is that C could become so bonded to NC that C marries NC believing that their relationship will somehow be blessed by God and will work based solely on the strength of their human love.

I’ve talked to people who have made one choice or the other. Those who walk away and suffer heartbreak wish they had wisely said “no” to the first date. The loss of attachment brings a period of loneliness as painful as any other split. Those who have gone ahead and married find that they have holes in their relationship that can’t be bridged. Mutual decisions can’t be made with God leading the way. Children are reared with confusion about which parent is “right.” And problems can’t be solved by both spouses going to God on their knees. Much as they love their spouse, they regret the hardships they suffer and often wish that they would have delayed or forgone marriage.

Are first dates important? Absolutely. If you are a Christian, faith should be at the top of your “must have” list. Dating someone who doesn’t make the cut, even just a first date, will tempt you to continue to accept your faith difference. Be honest with yourself and with others. Make your faith known, and make your standards known by saying “no” to anything less than what God intends for you to have in the long run. Protect your reputation, your heart, and the other person. Be willing to wait for a Christian rather than accepting less than God’s best. All marriages start with a first date, so start each potential marriage well!

4/8/10

This past Easter weekend, many people crossed a bridge here at Fairhaven as a sign of turning over their lives and/or a problem to God. The bridge symbolized how the death and resurrection of Christ spanned the gap between us and God, making a way for us to come into relationship with him. From death to life, not only did Christ give us the way to God, he also made the way for God to empower us to face our daily trials and tribulations.

Sometimes we forget that when Christ ascended to heaven, he didn’t leave us alone here on earth. It’s not as though we have to simply endure this life until we get to heaven. We actually have help along the way! Jesus came not only to give us eternal life, but also to give us an abundant life today. He came to set us free from the hurts, habits, and hang ups that sin (done by us or to us) has caused.

How is this accomplished? When Christ left he promised to send the Holy Spirit to dwell within us. He tells us that this Spirit will help us and teach us and give us peace. It is through this power that God can work miracles in our lives. But we can’t just sit back and wait for God to change us; we have to be involved in the process.

God’s role is to help, teach, and give as we bring our struggles to him. The word help implies that we are to be active participants in rooting out sin. God comes along side of us and helps us grow, persevere, and change. The word teach implies that we must be students, listening and learning from him and his word in order to benefit from our relationship with him. The word give implies that we must react by accepting the peace that he offers.

If you crossed the bridge this weekend, may you be blessed as you receive God’s help. May you listen and hear the guidance he will provide as you pursue a new life. May you accept the peace he gives as you trust him completely to change you from within.

If you need to span the gap to God, consider crossing the bridge he’s given you. Move toward God. Ask him to forgive you of your sins. Thank him for sending Jesus to die on the cross for you. Invite him to dwell within you. Tap into the power of the Holy Spirit and you’ll see new life begin to spring up where there was once death and decay.

Let not your hearts be troubled; he has brought us peace!

3/18/10

The proximity of our upcoming Love Languages seminar caused me to pause last night and ponder whether or not Jesus had a preferred language and what that language might be. As I reflected over his life, it seemed that he was fluent at “speaking” each of the styles. He touched some people when he healed them. He spent quality time with three of his disciples. He gave a gift of wine to a newly married couple. He served his disciples by washing their feet. He spoke affirming words to the woman caught in adultery. But did Jesus have preferred style of receiving? And if so, what does that mean to me?

Reading through scripture, it is pretty clear that we are called to speak a variety of languages to him and each other. We are to serve one another through love and good deeds. We are to give unselfishly, with a joyful heart. We are to use words to encourage and edify each other, and to praise God. But does he have a favorite “language” that he likes to “hear” from us? I do believe that Christ gave us a hint as to the language he prefers in the story of Mary and Martha.

As you may recall, these two sisters responded to a visit from Jesus in different ways. Martha anxiously prepared and served Jesus. Mary, appearing somewhat lazy to Martha, sat at Jesus feet listening to his teaching. When Martha complained to Jesus about Mary’s behavior, Christ responded with today’s verse (Luke 10:42). Basically, he says one thing is necessary, the “language” Mary has chosen: quality time with Jesus. That, he says, is something that cannot be taken away.

So does Jesus not want us to serve him? Or give him gifts? Or praise him with words of affirmation? I don’t think that’s what he’s saying. I believe he is merely giving us a starting point. Relationship with Christ begins with spending quality time in his presence. And out of that relationship we are inspired to serve, give, encourage, and touch others. The gifts, the acts of service, and the words will all end, but what we receive from Christ as we spend time with him will never end. Our relationship with him is eternal.

If you’re unsure about what Jesus is asking of you in relationship with him, begin with spending quality time with him. Sit at his feet and listen. Read his word, the Bible, and soak in his teaching. Grab on to the good portion, and as you do, I suspect your fluency in the other “languages” will increase as well.

3/4/10

As a little girl, I always thought missionaries were white, American Christians. It seemed they usually went to Africa and came back with strange items of clothing and unusual trinkets. The ones from my childhood church, I hate to say, were boring to listen to, and the women tended to have awful hair styles and out-of-date eye glasses. I used to pray, “Please God don’t call me to be a missionary. I don’t want to end up like that!”

Obviously, my exposure to missionaries as a child was quite limited. It never even occurred to me that Christians in other countries would also “go forth” as missionaries. Since then, my attitude about mission work and missionaries has changed. Because I currently serve with a church that emphasizes global missions, I have been given the opportunity to meet and listen to missionaries to and from many countries. For the most part, they are articulate, well-educated, and effectively spreading the gospel message. Some of them are even missionaries to the U.S.!

I’m also much more open to God calling me to the mission field abroad. Hair styles and comfort mean much less than they did to me as a youngster. I’ve also come to trust that God knows what is best for me and will equip me to go wherever and to do whatever he wants. But the main reason I am not fearful of God calling me abroad is that I have already accepted that he has called me to be a missionary right here. I am his witness not only at church, but at the local market, the gym, the bank, and the coffee shop. I am his witness with my friends and with my enemies. I am his witness when I am having a good day and when I am experiencing the full rottenness of life.

Sure, being a missionary outside of the U.S. would add some complications to my life. I might have to learn another language, or dress differently, or give up my curling iron. I’d have to put down new roots, invest in new friendships, and develop a new lifestyle. Mind you, I’m not asking for God to send me anywhere. But I have said, “Here I am. I’m not afraid to go to Africa or wherever you might send me. I am willing.”

Right now his plan seems for me to be a missionary right here in Dayton, Ohio. I’m grateful to be here. I love serving single adults. I enjoy the church staff around me. But I’m also ready to go. Last month when I got new glasses, I made sure to pick out one really cute pair to take with me.

What about you? Are you open to God calling you? Do you have a mission field in your backyard? Is it possible he is asking you to take a big step and go into all the nations? Talk to him about it, and trust that his plans for you, whatever they are, are good! Then get ready. Not necessarily to go abroad, but maybe just to talk to that new neighbor. Becoming a missionary is just one step away.

2/18/10

A few weeks ago we held our first gathering meeting in Fairhaven’s new MAC (Multi-use Activity Center). It is an ideal space for the Single Vine: plenty of room to grow but still intimate in nature, large screens for displaying videos, a stage to present from, and a loft area with pool, ping pong, and casual seating.

(Unfortunately, due to weather, we’ve had to cancel the last two meetings, but will try to make up for the missed fellowship this Saturday at our Comedy Night. Please join us at 7 pm; we’ll have a potluck meal, open the mic for clean jokes, and then watch a funny video. We’ll make up the missed “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk” lesson on March 9. This is the sex video you’ve been waiting for!)

At the end of our first meeting we asked people for suggestions about future events that they would like held in the MAC. Ideas ran from Card Tournaments to Karaoke (likely) to Speed Dating (not likely…if you’ve been attending the “Jerk” series, you know that speed and dating are a lethal mix!)

Rather than suggesting an event, one person asked if we could have a discussion about “breaking up” with someone when one sees red flags and the relationship isn’t working. She bemoaned the difficulty of a break up, especially when wanting to avoid hurting the other person. Since we don’t have a class session available for an open forum, I thought I would throw out a few questions and ideas that might be helpful to this person and any of you who are at the point of knowing you should go but find yourself unable to make the break.

Question one: Is this relationship right for you?
Question two: Whose job is it to take care of you?
Question three: What are you getting from this relationship that keeps you there?
Question four: Where can you go to get your healthy needs met elsewhere?
Question five: Are you available for the right relationship if you are in the wrong one?
Question six: Whose job is it to take care of the person you want to break up with?

Question seven: Why are you putting the other person’s feelings ahead of your own?
Question eight: What are you waiting for?

There is never an easy solution to breaking up, especially if you are sensitive to other people’s feelings. It is hard. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes love.

Try to reframe the situation. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you want the other person tying you up in a relationship he knew was going nowhere? Wouldn’t you want to be free to find the right person for you?

Fear of someone getting hurt can keep you stuck in a no-win relationship and only delays the inevitable. Additionally, the longer you wait to split, the more you add to pain of separation that will follow – yours and his.

Once you know, then it’s time to go. While it may not seem kind, it is the most loving option. My advice is the same that my mother told me about taking awful tasting medicine – “Just hurry up and get it over with!” You’ll both feel better sooner and begin the journey of healing.

Breaking up is hard to do, but is a necessary dating skill. Before getting into a new relationship, it would be wise to explore any inability to set good boundaries. Being ready for a relationship means you have the strength to leave if necessary. Otherwise, you may find yourself hostage to another person’s feelings again.

2/4/10

One of the blessings of my job is that I get to hear, on an almost daily basis, the painful struggles that regularly occur in peoples lives. Yes, I said it is a blessing. Not the same kind of blessing as hearing powerful stories of God’s touch, restoration, or reconciliation, but a blessing still the same.

You see, I used to be inclined to look at the small problems in my life and then begin to grumble. To me, they seemed huge! A fixer by nature, I was discontent with household malfunctions, strained relationships, muffin-top, and less-than-perfect kids. With enough effort, I figured I could get my life (and everyone else) under control. My control. I spent valuable time and emotional energy planning, even manipulating, due to my dissatisfaction with these minor imperfections.

Despite knowing that God’s word said otherwise, I believed that I could erase trial and tribulation from my life if I only tried hard enough. It took some major life crashes for me to realize I had believed some BIG lies the enemy had planted in my head. The first lie was that as a Christian, my life could and should be perfect and painless. The second lie was that my life was pretty rough compared to other people’s lives. Poor me.

I finally came to the realization that life is simply a bumpy journey. Everyone has detours, pot holes, and construction areas. Stretches without them are few and far between. It’s not that I have given up the task of filling in the cracks; I simply do so knowing that more will lie ahead. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect, for it is the irritations and disruptions that God uses to shape us. My goal is no longer to work hard and fast enough to make life smooth. It is to listen, learn, heal and grow as God walks me through the patching process.

That is why my job is such a blessing. Every day I am reminded, through hearing of other’s journeys, that life is indeed hard. There is no escape from the lessons God brings, or from the seemingly “random” bad things that happen. And when I reflect on the trials that face others, I become more grateful. The minor discomforts and distractions in my life seem much smaller as I am forced to recognize and rejoice over the scores of good things I have forgotten or taken for granted. I pray for those who are truly suffering. And I thank God for his continued goodness in my life despite the refining trials.

Today’s verses, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, sum up how I strive to live life now. God is lovingly in control, and thus deserves my praise, attention and thanks. Life isn’t mine to control, only to live. God uses my job to reinforce this truth. How is he speaking to you?

1/21/10

Our Senior Pastor David Smith began a new series a few weeks ago called “Masquerade” based on the Bible book of 1 John. He has been talking about how easy it is to hide behind the mask of Christianity without actually living in relationship with Christ.

We wear many kinds of masks, don’t we? Beside the “Good Christian” mask there is the “Good Neighbor” mask, the “Good Parent” mask, the “Good Child” mask, the “Good Person” mask, etc. All too often, the masks we wear cover up the real person and project a false image to the world.

Sometimes masks are worn because we are too ashamed for others to see the sin that lies behind them. These masks don’t come off until we admit our sin, bring it into the light of God’s forgiveness, and turn in a new direction.

Sometimes we’re just too tired to be real with people. Or perhaps we don’t feel safe, so we hide behind a mask and keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

Other times we wear a mask because we want to be liked and don’t think our real self offers what others will find attractive. We put on what we think is a “more likeable personality mask” or imitate someone we know who seems to be popular.

How often, in times of quiet reflection, do we take off our masks and look in the mirror? Are we afraid of what we might see? Have we ever stopped pretending long enough to seriously ask, “What am I hiding?” and “Do I like the real me?”

Coming out from behind the mask is risky. It might demand rigorous honesty about the way we have been living our lives. It may force us to look at the fears that have kept us in hiding. It might challenge us to grow and change, or to become more considerate of others, or even to take our lives in a whole new direction.

We may weep at the lost years that we have wasted as our masks kept us from relating honestly to others. But with the tears comes the realization that as we move out from behind the protection of our masks, others are able to finally see and appreciate the person we have worked so hard to hide.

And as we allow people touch our hearts and connect with our true selves, we discover what intimacy is. We feel released to be who God created us to be. We see our own worth as unique individuals who have something to offer the world that no one else does. We have a sense of God’s purpose. We know why we are here. We are finally at peace with who we are meant to be. We are free.

Do you need to drop your mask? Do you need a place to go where you can be honest and still be loved? Join us this weekend to learn more about leaving the masquerade behind. Services are at 6 pm on Saturday, and 9:15 & 11 am on Sunday. We’ll look for you in the lobby, but remember…leave your mask at home!

1/7/10

Wisdom and instruction...as a single person considers the possibility of marriage, both are essential! Tuesday night we started a new series, “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk” to give singles a helping of both. Fools reject wisdom and instruction (see today's verse, Proverbs 1:7), but those who fear the Lord begin to collect knowledge.

Of course, collecting knowledge about dating and relationships is not enough. The wisdom and instruction must be followed to be effective. But applying what one learns is often difficult, even if one has the best intentions, when it comes to dating. Why?

The old saying, “Love is blind,” has much truth to it, but a more accurate explanation would be, “Love has blind-spots.” Talk to a person in looooove and they will spend endless energy trying to convince you that they see everything clearly. While they may see some things accurately, their vision is often quite limited. That's why applying wisdom and instruction to a pre-marital relationship is so crucial.

The fool says, “I'm different; the wisdom and instruction don't apply to me! We are somehow beyond all other human relationships that have been studied. We have talked far more than the average couple, we have prayed more, we have planned everything ...” The reasons are many when a fool despises wisdom in order to have what he wants now. He is unable to see past the blind spots and rejects good teaching.

The wise person embraces instruction and says, “I recognize that if/when I fall in love, I will lose the ability to see clearly for up to a year or more. I have learned that a strong marriage happens best by building a strong relationship before marriage, and that this is a slow process that cannot be rushed. Therefore, I will not make any commitment hastily no matter how I am feeling, and will ask my friends about my blind spots.”

If you want to learn in depth about giving a marriage the best possible start (and also avoid marrying a jerk), then please join us on Tuesday night. Don't be a fool. Seek wisdom and instruction, apply it to your life, and give yourself the best shot at a great start with marriage!

12/17/09

As you may have noticed from my name change or heard through the Single Vine, I was married almost three weeks ago. I’ve always kept my personal life fairly private but will address my marriage today for a couple of reasons. The first is to reassure you that I have every plan to continue to serve in singles ministry. My passion to minister to singles isn’t dependent upon my marital status, and my husband and Fairhaven Church are both supportive of me continuing in my current role.

The second reason I am sharing my marriage with you is to encourage those of you who are single and believe you will never find the right person for you. I gave up trying to find someone years ago and decided to trust God to bring the right man into my life if that was his plan. Rather than spending my time positioning myself to cull dating relationships, I focused instead on serving God and my family. It just so happened that two years ago on one of my first days working here at Fairhaven, I met a man who eventually became my best friend. We resisted all romantic notions towards each other for almost a year, which allowed us a level of honesty and transparency that seldom occur when dating…and then we fell in love. God truly orchestrated our love story in a way that gave us a solid foundation for our courtship and now marriage. We both would tell you, “Let go, and trust God and his timing.”

The third reason I am sharing is to persuade you to resist the pressure to become sexually active with someone you date. Especially when you believe you are with the person you will eventually marry, it’s very tempting to “become one” physically before marriage. But that premature pleasure will rob you not only of the special gift God intends for you to share on your wedding night, but will also interfere with your emotional growth as a couple before that time. I may take some flack from my new husband for my frank disclosure and the choice of today’s Bible verse, but I think it’s quite fitting. Waiting for the one-flesh, naked and unashamed experience of marriage was worth every cold shower and late night drive back home to our own beds!

OK, that’s as public as I will go with my marriage. But just because I am an “old married woman”, rest assured I have not forgotten or lost interest in topics near and dear to Christian singles. The Single Vine will continue to provide a community for singles to grow in their faith and friendships. Your input is as valuable to me as ever, and with God’s help we all will bring new life through Jesus Christ to singles!

12/3/09

Last month at the Dating 201 seminar, we discussed the importance of applying wisdom to the dating process. So I had to chuckle when I read the title to a recently released study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology: Interacting with Women Can Impair Men’s Cognitive Functioning. In other words, men can’t think clearly around women. Not surprisingly, the more attractive the woman, the more pronounced the effect she has on a man’s ability to engage his brain.

How can we apply this study to the dating process? I think men and women can both benefit from remembering how men’s minds become so easily disengaged. Gals, if you want to be appreciated for your inner beauty, don’t use your outer beauty to lure a man into a relationship with you! Sure, you may be able to distract a man enough with your femininity (or low cut shirt) that his brain overrides logical thinking and he asks you out. But is that the wisest way to start a relationship? Wouldn’t you rather be pursued because of your personality and common interests? I don’t think the study revealed how long the addling effect lasts on a man’s brain, but it can’t be permanent. Once it wears off, a man whose wisdom reappears may feel manipulated and disappointed.

Guys, if you know that you can’t think clearly around women, don’t make important decisions in their presence! And do what you can to shield yourself from a woman’s “influence” when you interact with her. Keep your eyes focused on hers. Don’t let them or your thoughts wander to other parts of her body. And if you do happen to get caught up in her presence and drool like a goofball, at least don’t mistake your loss of functioning as the basis for a relationship. Choose women to date based on who they are apart from you, not how unsettled you become around them.

Short of hanging caution signs around the necks of women, awareness of their dizzying effect is a first step to keeping everyone wiser about dating. And maybe blinders for the guys…now that would be an interesting study!

11/19/09

Last night at the singles gathering, we threw some questions out to the audience that had been written by our singles. The first was, “How do you respond to ‘Why aren’t you married yet?’”

Answers varied… “I haven’t found the right person”…”I haven’t found the perfect person”…”It’s not been the right time”…”It is in God’s hands”

While I was hoping to hear a witty comeback that would leave an inquirer somewhat red-faced for having asked, people instead responded kindly and with maturity. In the past, my typical response has been, “They are always out of my size when I go shopping at the man store!”

Humor has been an easy way for me to side-step what I think is an impossible-to-answer question. Only God himself knows what his plans for us are and why we are currently single. As long as we listen to him and walk in his ways, we can trust that he has plans for our future…and they may not include marriage. That possibility is not an easy one to accept until we trust that God’s plans are good!

Trying to make a relationship happen can be an attempt to go around his plans…so here is a question to consider: Instead of looking for the right person, how about working on becoming the right person? Can you trust that when you are ready and a future mate is ready, that God will bring you together? Can you let go of hunting and focus on growing? Ultimately, when we want God’s best for us, when we are ready to give our life completely over to him, we can have peace with being single. And when someone asks why we aren’t married yet, hopefully we will be able to smile and say kindly, “It must not be in God’s plans for now!”

11/12/09

Toxic Loneliness

The turnout at Saturday’s dating seminar and the response to it was strong enough to convince us to hold it again, sooner rather than later. So if you missed it, keep your eyes open and join us next time. One topic we discussed was “wrong reasons to date” with loneliness being at the top. When we don’t guard our heart by surrounding ourselves with good relationships, we tend to make poor choices in our dating life. Citing a study on “toxic loneliness” by Dr. E. Pattison, here are some of the nuggets we learned:

We make the healthiest (dating) bonds in life when we have 20-30 other supporting relationships. These relationships need to be equally balanced across 4 types: family of first degree, family of second degree, friends both lifetime and recent, and associates from church, clubs, work, or other groups. With 4-6 people in each group we are relationally balanced.

To qualify as a “supporting relationship,” the following criteria must be met: high investment, frequent contact, strong emotional connection, a sense of “I’ll be there for you in an emergency,” and a reciprocal/balanced relationship.

Without this support system, we as humans designed by God for relationship, tend to lose our ability to function healthily with others. In other words, we make poor relationship choices because we are starving for connection! With less than twelve support people, the study showed we can become neurotic: depressed, anxious, needy, overly sensitive, easily offended, and demanding. With only 4-5 support people, we may slip into psychosis and lose touch with reality.

It is imperative for our own safety, before we even consider dating, that we fill-in any relational deficits we have. One of the easiest ways to make new friends is to attend the singles activities here at Fairhaven. The weekly events attract many people from differing ages, backgrounds and stages of life. Each week we see some of the same people and some new. By meeting and befriending a few of them, you will become more relationally-filled and more prepared to face the ups and downs of dating. It’s a dangerous world out there, so guard your heart and be prepared!

10/29/09

Last night I had the opportunity to share a biblical overview of divorce with the participants of DivorceCare. It always amazes me that even after ten years I gain new insight each time I tell my story and then share from God’s word.

It also amazes me that it has taken so long for me to reach this degree of wholeness. Not to say that I am completely healed; scars are present and remnants linger. But it took far longer than I could have imagined twelve years ago when I filed papers to separate. Maybe I am unique in the snail’s pace of my healing process, although from what I have read and hear from other divorced singles, it is a process that cannot be rushed. Time is a required element for healing.

I often equate a divorce with the opening clip of the “Wide World of Sports” television show many of us grew up with… the “agony of defeat” sequence where the skier tumbles over and over down the slope. Every bone is broken, every muscle pulled, every nerve damaged.

Emotionally, those who experience divorce are in the “agony of defeat.” They are weary, broken, and in tremendous pain. How enticing it is, then, to believe that another person will speed the healing process. Perhaps that is why I cringe when I hear those who are recently divorced talking excitedly about a potential new relationship. Isn’t it easy to delude ourselves into thinking we are ready to ski down the slope again because a new person has numbed our pain?

“STOP!” I want to shout. “You don’t know what you’re doing! You think another person will make you feel better, will give you a sense of worth, and will take away the pain of your loss. He is only an anesthetic, and when it wears off you will be in more pain than you started with!”

Indeed, as soon as the anesthesia wears off, another crash is guaranteed, whether at the starting gate or farther down the hill. And when the fall occurs, those parts not sufficiently healed are damaged again and new wounds are added. The healing process has been prolonged, not shortened, by a too-soon relationship.

But rather than shout at those who are naïve to the perils of rushing, I speak gently with the voice of experience. For the first few years after my divorce I looked to men to affirm my femininity and worth. They numbed my pain and kept me busy. But they also slowed my healing process. Because I was still wrapped in emotional “casts”, my relational flexibility was limited. Unable to carry out a healthy relationship, I floundered along from man to man. It wasn’t until I quit dating and started pursuing God my healer that I stopped reinjuring myself and began to get stronger.

So what do I say? Slow down. Allow yourself time to heal. Recognize that in a wounded state you are unable to make good decisions. Cry out to God and let his soothing love heal and strengthen you. Lean on your friends. Surround yourself with God’s people who will support, affirm, and encourage you. Don’t put on the ski boots until your bones are solid again and you are sure you have the muscular strength to carry you all the way to the bottom of the hill.

Relationships after a divorce/break-up can be fulfilling only when you are skiing healthy, healed, and whole. Until then, stay away from the slopes.

10/22/09

I just sent a quick text message to my middle son Matt and got an unexpected reply. He is away at college in KY, swimming for a small Christian school in an idyllic, small-town environment. There I feel he is protected from many of the less than desirable activities that typically occur at college. But even though he is surrounded by Christian professors and many Christian friends, the text let me know that he isn’t completely shielded from the hardships of life.

Just ten days ago I visited Matt and watched him compete in his first meet of the season. A visit always means we will attend church together on Sunday morning. In this college town, he attends a tiny church just a stone’s throw from his dorm that has only one other college student. Fifteen people at most attend on a Sunday. Matt’s choice of church home while away at school has always confused me a bit. Why would he choose to limit himself with such a small congregation?

But in my heart I knew. He was there because the pastor and his wife had taken him under their wing. They had given Matt not only their time and interest, but they also modeled a loving Christian marriage for him. Additionally, Chip filled the father-figure role that Matt’s former coach had done. They were an answer to many of my prayers for this son, and I accepted that God’s answer came through a church I probably wouldn’t have chosen.

So this past Sunday, Matt, Matt’s girlfriend, my fiancé, two other children of ours and I filled half of the little church. We worshiped and then listened somewhat awkwardly as Pastor Chip had a “family” talk with his small congregation.

From previous visits, I knew that his wife had been battling cancer. Sometimes she looked good and even attended Matt’s swim meets. Sometimes she looked ashen and pale. That Sunday I noticed that she was not in attendance. Bravely, her gentle husband shared that while they still had faith that she would be healed, it was becoming evident that it might happen upon her entrance into heaven. He was making plans to care for her and to turn the care of the church over to another larger church.

I felt like an unwelcome eavesdropper as I listened. I asked God, “Why this weekend? I feel like an intruder.” His answer came when Chip approached me after the service.

“It was God’s plan for you to be here today,” he said. “Your son is a leader in this church. God has been preparing him to serve. He is going to play a part in what happens here.”

Wow. God’s plans for Matt extend beyond this special couple who adopted him. The church would be changing. His life would be changing. But the changes would come with pain.

My text from Matt that arrived an hour ago let me know that Roxanne just passed away. He will be in her funeral. My feelings are mixed. I am heartbroken for Chip. I want to hug and comfort my son who has lost his church-mom. I am pleased that Matt is giving back love and support to his pastor-father-friend. And I am grateful that God has placed Matt in a place where people are real, where life happens, and where God is in the center.

I can’t protect my son from life, but I can trust God to carry him through the storms.

10/15/09

Seven simple words of Christ…”judge not that you not be judged” come from today’s verse, Matthew 7:1. These are easy instructions to understand, not difficult to explain to someone else, but very hard to carry out in our lives day to day.

I think it is important to realize that Jesus did not say, “Don’t recognize sin.” He simply says not to judge it. We may know when a friend has stumbled and we shouldn’t turn a blind eye. We can go to our friend with love and concern, offering our help where needed. But what Jesus tells us to do is to refrain from judging that friend. Tall order!

Why is it that we are experts at judging others’ shortcomings? I think because it somehow makes us feel better in a twisted way. As if we are more righteous than the other person. As if we don’t have as many problems or struggles. Jesus calls us to look at ourselves because when we focus on our own sins we recognize that the playing field is level. We all are sinners. We all have issues. We all are desperate for God’s help to change us. When we admit our faults we know that we are no different that anyone else and are more open to walking together in our faith journey.

It’s easy to point fingers at others, and to blame them for our problems. But blame does nothing to help us grow in our faith. Put your finger back in your pocket and the focus back on yourself. We’ll talk about avoiding blame at the Unshakable series this Tuesday night. Come and find out what you can do to develop a deeper faith, so the storms of life don’t blow you off course.

9/24/09

A Pet Peeve

One of the benefits of writing this column is that I have a forum to air my pet peeves. I used to have hundreds, but with age, wisdom, and an increase in grace I have lost many of my former peeves. I’ve learned to say “God is in control” when traffic backs up or I am behind someone in the checkout lane at Meijer who has forgotten three items and has a handful of expired coupons. I have become more generous in giving people the benefit of the doubt or in trusting that God uses the quirks of life to slow me down or keep me from harm. Perhaps one who ministers should not even have any “peeves”, or at least nothing that gets under one’s skin and gets the blood simmering. But I must admit that I have one “pet peeve” that still irks me tremendously.

Usually this “peeve” is committed by a well-meaning married person whose intent is to cheer me up or “help” me discover the same key to “success” that worked for them. Where I could be more gracious in understanding that their intent is good and pure, I simply am not. I should be, I could be, but I am still not there. All I hear is a simplistic, magic solution to what they perceive to be a problem: my single status. Granted, they usually don’t present the solution as a solution for me; they present it as their solution but do so in a way that implies, “If you would just do what I did you would find someone, too.”

There are varieties of this peeve, of course, but here is a wide sampling of examples:

When I stopped looking, I found someone.
When I gave my life over to God, I found someone.
When I surrendered my pride, I found someone.
When I (fill in the blank), I found someone.

What tweaks me about this kind of thinking is that people associate outcome B with input A. They have turned “finding someone” into a magic formula of “If you do A, then B will happen because that’s what happened to me.” Is it possible that God was waiting for A to happen before he allowed B to occur? Yes. But it is equally likely that doing A had nothing to do with outcome B. Happening at the same time does not mean a cause/effect relationship!

There is something else about these “solutions” that grates on me. Did you notice that each statement begins with the pronoun I? There is some power implied, some pride in the fact that when “I” did something then “I” got blessed with what “I” wanted. Didn’t God have some influence in the matter? More than likely God blesses us despite what we do to try to control the outcome of our lives not because of it.

Magic solutions like these can get in the way of being open to God’s leading in our lives. We may think we can box God into the outcome we want by “doing” the “right” thing. We can get caught up in trying to do what worked for others without considering that God isn’t a robot bound by our input. We can lose the sense that God’s plans for us are as unique as we are.

There is no magic solution. In fact, unless you see singleness as a problem, it isn’t anything that even needs a solution. Married or single, we can all benefit from listening to God, following his lead, enjoying the journey we are on, waiting patiently, and trusting his plans for us. God weaves our lives together in beautiful patterns when we give him control, when we stop trying so hard to make our plans happen.

I’m still looking for a polite response the next time someone offers an easy solution to “singleness” or brags about what he did to find a mate. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I just have to let it serve as a reminder to me that I can also get caught up in believing that I am more powerful than I really am. Maybe I should just say, “Thanks for that reminder,” and let it go. Maybe I need to extend to him the same grace I give the coupon lady at the grocery store; their intentions are good. I’m working on it. Many peeves down, one to go…

9/17/09

Pausing

Want to be free of worldly anxieties? Then don’t get married! At least that seems to be the advice that Paul gives us in today’s verses (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). Of course, married or not, people will be anxious, but the focus for a married person tends to be on pleasing a spouse while and unmarried person is “free” to focus on pleasing God.

I will add a modern spin to Paul’s thoughts…if you want to be free of worldly anxieties, don’t date! Dating is fraught with peril, but most singles do it. Dating is such a given that many singles don’t even question whether or not they should be dating or if they even want to date.

There is tremendous pressure, both external and sometimes internal, to be “playing the field” if one is single. Mothers ask, “So have you met anyone?” Friends push us toward “possibilities.” Our bodies crave a tender touch. We can strive to satisfy others or our own longings by dating without even asking ourselves if this is the best choice for us at the moment.

The best line in the book Boundaries in Dating is “Dating is for Grown-ups.” Grown ups aren’t trying to heal a broken heart or wounded soul through a relationship. Grown ups have nothing to prove. Grown ups have “grown” into the necessary emotional health to sustain a solid relationship. And grown ups realize that not dating at any given time might be the best choice for them. Go into a dating relationship wounded, or looking for affirmation, or simply unavailable because you have no time, and you’ll likely end up with plenty of anxieties and hurt.

Not dating, whether for a season or as a lifestyle, is an excellent and admirable choice for singles to make. Relationships take time, energy, and a great deal of emotional investment…in short, they are hard work! Off the top of my head I can think of a number of reasons why a single might be wise to set dating aside. They include:

God’s direction to stop – Do you simply feel led to “quit” for a while? You may not know why, but do you sense God’s nudge to pause?

Wanting to focus on personal growth & evaluate issues in past relationships – Are you the person you want to be? Do you know what part you have played in failed relationships? Do you see a need to change so that you attract a different kind of person?

A call to focus on serving God or others – Does God want you to use this period of time to glorify Him instead of seeking to meet your own needs? Is your heart leading you to a people group or ministry area that would be blessed by your input?

A major life change such as a move or a new job – Do you need to give your attention to unpacking boxes and meeting new neighbors? Or concentrate on building security in a new career?

Taking time to develop gifts, talents, and/or hobbies – Will you be a more interesting person in the future if you invest in yourself now? Do you regret having put your own enjoyment of life on hold while you’ve looked for “the one”?

Needing a break to evaluate what one is looking for – Have you been searched aimlessly in the past with poor results? Do you have a specific list of the kind of person you realistically hope to find?

Vulnerability due to a recent break up or divorce – Do you recognize that you have been looking for a date to affirm your worth/beauty/attractiveness/etc.? Are you still within a few months of your last break up or within a few years of a divorce?

A recognition that past dating has been done for the wrong reasons – Have you felt selfish about past dating relationships? Have you been in search of romance rather than love? Have you dated a string of the “wrong ones” just for the thrill or because you simply needed someone, anyone in your life?

By pausing dating, one can be relieved of much anxiety and find great enjoyment and purpose in life. I have had two relatively long periods when I chose not to date. The first was after a year of internet dating that kept me incredibly busy but caused my spiritual growth to flat line. When I “paused” I was amazed to find how much time I had “wasted” pursuing poor matches and how much freedom came from giving up looking. Because I chose to get more deeply involved serving at church during this pause, my faith and friendships grew tremendously.

My second “pause” was after a broken engagement. I knew I needed to bathe my tender emotions in God’s love and protect my heart while I was still recovering. For one year I dedicated myself to developing a new ministry and finishing a master’s degree. This use of time and energy led to my current ministry position. I thank God often for giving me the wisdom to take my second pause.

What about you? Why are you dating? Should you be dating? Have you stopped to consider the above reasons to put a “pause” on dating? Try it, you just might find it surprisingly satisfying!

9/10/09

“It’s so hard to be perfect and do all of the things God wants me to do!”

Have you ever echoed this sentiment? For some of us, we feel like we never measure up to what God wants from us…like we have to accomplish more in order for God to be happy with us. It’s as though we must finish a long list of successfully completed tasks before we feel like we’ve done enough, before we feel like we are enough for God to love and accept us.

The truth is we don’t measure up. Try as we may, no matter what we do, no matter how many rules we follow and how much temptation we deftly avoid, we will never measure up. What keeps us on the treadmill of trying is the false belief that some day, from our own efforts, we will. Peace comes when we finally accept that we will always in and of ourselves be less than God’s standard of perfection.

Far from being bad news, this is actually very good news! It is only when we humble ourselves and say, “I can’t do it,” that we can understand the free gift of salvation that God has given us. It comes with no strings attached. No fine print that says, “When you accept this gift, you are indebted to make monthly payments or the gift becomes invalid.”

I think if God attached a card to this gift it would say something like this:

My child, this is a free gift to you. If you accept this gift, you will be part of my family and clothed as royalty. You may visit with me whenever you please; I am always available to you. You may come to me with any problems that you have, and not only will I listen but I will also help you. I will forgive you, and encourage you, and assist you in changing the dark places of your heart. And someday, I will give you a mansion where you can dwell with me forever in heaven.

Don’t be misled into thinking you have done something to earn this gift; I can give it freely to you because the full price was already paid by my son. Every time I look upon you I will see you as perfect because of him. I know you will mess up from time to time, but that won’t change how I see you or feel about you. I will love you no matter what. There is nothing else required of you!

The gift of salvation, of course, comes through faith in the one who was and is perfect, Jesus Christ. The good news is that once we have accepted that Christ is our Savior because of his death on the cross as payment for our sins, and we have made him Lord of our lives, we don’t have to try to win God’s approval. We already have it! There is nothing else we could to do make him love us more (or cause him to love us less.) We are truly free from trying to prove our worth or earn his love.

Out of a grateful heart, a humble heart, an undeserving heart we come before God and say “Thank you for saving my life! This gift is awesome. You say I don’t owe you anything in return, but I’d really like to get to know you better. And by the way, is there anything I can do for you while I’m still here on earth?” What a joy it is to give up striving and begin serving.

Are you slaving away or have you discovered the easy yoke of walking with Christ? If you feel like there is more you must do, talk to God about it. He’ll reassure you that what his son did is enough. You have nothing to add to the effectiveness of Christ’s death, so stop trying and just start loving him back. You’ll be amazed how easily obedience follows when love comes first.

9/3/09

Choices

Last night’s teaching at the gathering was one that the apostle Paul could certainly relate to (see today’s verse Romans 7:18). As he writes, Paul is near the end of his life and ministry, and yet he makes it clear that he is unable to live a perfect life even thought that is what he desires.

And why is it Paul says he can’t do what is right? Because he knows that within him dwells nothing good, namely sin. He has the right desire. He knows what is right. Yet clearly he still struggles to carry that out.

Aren’t we the same? We know what is right. We are convicted by the Holy Spirit when we sin. And yet, we can succumb repeatedly to the same temptation no matter how strongly we insist that we won’t ever do it again. We, like Paul, often have the head knowledge and the desire to do right, but we also have something in our flesh that trips us up. This is why the psalmist warns us that our hearts are deceitfully wicked!

Last night, Dr. Henry Cloud talked about the evil desires of our heart being cut off and separated from the desires of our heads. We may know in our head what to do, but often an unacknowledged or unhealed wound (sin done by us or against us) in our heart gives us an even stronger desire to go against what our minds tell us. And then we wonder why we can’t do what we know is right. We try, and we try harder, and yet we continue to fail.

If we are to love God with all or our head (mind) and all of our heart (and soul) we must deal with the wounds of our heart that compete with the truth in our head. Dr. Cloud gave the example of a man who wanted (in his head) to achieve in business but continually sabotaged himself due to a greater hidden desire in his heart to rebel against authority due to remnants of a bad relationship with his father. Once he worked through this issue and became secure in his own adulthood, he was able to succeed in his work place. His heart was no longer competing with his head.

As singles, we would be smart to pay particular attention to the wounded parts of our hearts that make us vulnerable to making the wrong choices in relationships. For example, if we are not attached in healthy relationships, the lonely, disconnected part of our heart can easily override the warnings coming from our head. We may find ourselves in a friendship or dating relationship that our head would never choose. After it explodes in our face we kick ourselves and say, “Now why did I do that? I knew better!”

Or, if we have had a poor relationship with the opposite sex parent, we may say with our head that we won’t date someone like him or her, yet when that kind of person comes along we may find we are unexplainably attracted.

If willpower, or choosing with our head, isn’t enough to keep us from sin (or poor choices), what can we do? Here are some tips from Dr. Cloud:
Confess our sins
Give up the notion that we can save ourselves
Submit our inability to God
Ask for help in searching for our faults
Repent
Take account of our needs and let others meet them
Make amends
Forgive
Invest and practice talents
Seek God
Seek truth
Love one another

From a position of weakness and humility we can admit that we have struggles that we are working on. Rather than trying to “white knuckle” and win through resistance, we can heal our hearts so that they can be fully submitted to God along with our minds and souls. Serving God takes more than trying to make the right choice. It means bringing our broken and wounded parts to him for healing so they no longer control our choices. Only then will our heads and hearts be aligned in making the same, right choices. Only then will we be able to love God with all of our hearts, soul, mind, and strength.

8/27/09

A few days ago I returned from a vacation in Germany. The purpose of my trip was to meet my boyfriend’s family, and I had a most enjoyable time doing so. Of course we also did some sightseeing and visiting his old friends, but most of our time was spent hiking, eating, or playing with his many siblings, nieces, and nephews.

Once back home, I was surprised how many people questioned me with, “Did you pass?” I have to admit, I never saw the trip as a test for me; I’m quite confident in myself and our relationship. On the contrary, I felt like the visit was a test for them. A more appropriate question would have been, “Did they pass?” My goal was not to impress them with who I am but rather to discover who they are.

If I had been an insecure twenty year-old, I may have felt differently. Perhaps I would have been more naïve as I once was, believing that a person’s family of origin doesn’t have much influence on a future relationship. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that families do matter when it comes to marriage.

Before had I even met my ex-husband’s family, I was already engaged. Mistake. After meeting them, I went home in tears but defended my engagement to my parents who tried to tell me that you marry the whole family. Bigger mistake. I went ahead with the wedding despite being horrified by some of the family dynamics that I witnessed. Biggest mistake.

Families of origin matter tremendously. That’s why I’m so fond of a lesson entitled, “You Can’t Marry Jethro without Getting’ the Clampetts” from the series, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (of Jerkette). We’ll be studying this series in January, but the lesson is an important one now. Even if you rarely see your future spouse’s family, they will still be “with you” every day.

So, to answer the right question, yes, they passed. With flying colors I might add. We’ll see what lies ahead, but at least I know that I really like “the Clampetts” and would be honored to join their family.

8/20/09

And the Band Played On...

I don’t know about you, but some of my best nuggets of wisdom are picked up randomly as I listen to my radio driving to work. The other week I caught Dennis Rainey of Family Life Today for about 10 minutes of his daily broadcast, and in that short time he shared an analogy that I appreciated and want to pass on. Those of you who grew up in band or orchestra, like I did, will probably resonate with this picture, but I think everyone will get the point.

The particular show dealt with building intimacy in relationships. Developing a full and complete relationship was compared to tuning up an orchestral symphony. The smallest and quietist instruments are tuned first, with louder instruments gradually joining them one section at a time. The loudest of all instruments, the percussion section (think drums) is the last to warm up. If the orchestra began warming up with the drums, the other sections of instruments would be unable to hear themselves play. The subtle tuning that is required would be impossible.
The orchestra could still go on to make music together, but it would not be very beautiful!

And here is the part of the analogy that I really like…the drums are compared to sexual intercourse. Played first, it can be as wild and passionate as a grand finale, but the finer nuances of the relationship are lost in the noise. They have never been tuned, never been listened to. Sex drowns out the ability to hear the delicate flute & the high piccolo...as well as the other “sections” of the relationship. One can go boldly ahead playing the drums, but as time goes on and the drumming fades, the other aspects of the music begin to be heard…and the instruments that sounded fine when covered by the noise of the drums are squeaky and squawky and horribly out of tune.

Building a solid relationship means waiting to play the drums…it means taking the time to listen to the smallest details and adjusting minor problems. It means “hearing” someone on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level. It means keeping the “physical” noise down so you can hear the Holy Spirit speak to you, so you can be wise about whom you allow yourself to get close to. Ultimately, it means waiting to play the drums until you are in a fully committed, married, this-is-it-you-are-the-only-drummer-for-me relationship.

As we discussed several weeks ago at the gathering, God gives us “rules to live by” because he loves us. His request that we wait to become one until we marry is done for our own good. Left to our sinful inclinations, we’d be playing a lot of sorry music. God wants us to experience the “full symphony”…with a wide range of connection, full of the most subtle and delicate nuances. Anyone can make a lot of noise banging on the drums; it takes a self-controlled, Holy Spirit-empowered Christian to follow God’s plan for making beautiful music.

Think about this analogy the next time you are tempted to take a short cut to false intimacy by rushing to have sex in a relationship. Remember, as soon as the drums start you can’t hear anything else. Do you want all aspects of your relationship to be “in tune”? Then wait, wait, wait…you will be amazed at the depth a relationship can have when it is allowed to grow slowly, section by section, without the overshadowing noise of the drums. God is incredibly smart when it comes to relationship advice. Try it his way; you’ll love what you hear!

8/13/09

Last week, Kirk Lithander, one of our executive pastors, lost his wife Paula to cancer. I use the term “lost” loosely since anyone who knew Paula knows exactly where she is. One day Kirk will join her in heaven where she is already rejoicing at the feet of Jesus.

Even though Kirk knows where Paula is and is grateful that her suffering has ended, he is facing a period of mourning that accompanies the loss of a spouse. For those of us who have lost a spouse through divorce, it can be difficult to relate to becoming single again through death. For those who have never been married, it’s even harder to relate to the loss of a spouse. However, what we share in common is “adjusting” to being single.

As I thought about the months that lie ahead for Kirk, I considered what helped me become more comfortable with my life as a single adult. First was finding a good friend to be my “life” buddy…somewhat akin to the buddy system we had when we were kids at camp, my life buddies have been women I kept close track of and who kept close track of me. They knew that I made it home safely each night. They shared in the ups and downs of parenting with me. They laughed, cried, and vacationed with me. They made me feel as though someone out there in the big world cared about the little things in my life. Through them I felt loved.

Second, I got a big dog to greet me at the door and keep me company. My chocolate lab Sasha (although officially owned by my youngest son Michael) has spent many hours sleeping beside my recliner and following me around the yard. When I come home late and night to an otherwise empty home, she reassures me that the house is safe and has never failed to greet me with a smile. She listens to my stories, my complaints, and my general ramblings about missing the kids. While a pet is no substitute for human companionship, she has been an ideal compliment to friends.

Third, I made some adjustments around the house. I put room lights on timers so that I didn’t come home to a dark house. I left the radio playing when I left in the morning (ostensibly for the dog to listen to) so that the house didn’t seem so still and empty. I redecorated my bedroom, affirming one of the perks of being single: the “power” to choose for myself.

Fourth, I reached out to others. I began to keep an eye out for other singles at church and introduced myself. I built a new community of believers for myself who shared not only my faith but also my stage of life. Eventually I pooled some of them together into what became a leadership team for a new singles ministry. Even now, I enjoy inviting a bunch of other singles to go out to eat or come over for a meal.

Last and most importantly, I looked to God for the acceptance and approval that I previously (and wrongly) sought from my ex-husband. Nothing helped me more in coming to grips with my own “singlehood” than recognizing that my worth to God was totally independent of my marital status. I was “good enough” for God as a single adult: good enough to be loved by him and good enough to be used by him. I came to trust that He had good plans for me and that I simply needed to follow him to watch them play out. Life became much easier when I stopped trying to be in control and became obedient to God’s leading.

Adjusting to being single was as much or more of a challenge than adjusting to being married. It took me many years to get where I am today, content and happy. In fact, I’ve become so comfortably single that I can easily identify (and grieve) the many benefits I will lose if I marry again (like getting to throw my dirty clothes on the floor of my bathroom!) But that comfort level did not come easily for me, and I know it won’t for Kirk either. It’s a gradual adjustment that with time and God’s grace leads to a new life. I pray for my friend that his adjustment will be a smooth one. Please join me in encouraging him over the months and years ahead.

For those of you have lost a spouse due to death, I hope you will make a special effort to join us for this month’s TNT/potluck night. Pam Walker, Fairhaven’s Director of Connecting will be sharing with us her journey through widowhood, dating, and finding a new spouse. She is the author of Finding Mr. Right and her story will be encouraging to all singles! Bring a dish to share and join us Tuesday, August 25 at 7 pm in Founders Hall.

8/6/09

“You can make this easy for yourself or you can make this hard,” I said to my thirteen year-old son Monday night as he groused about having to go to the Greene County Fair with me.

It is somewhat of a hit-or-miss tradition for me to traipse my children through the barns of cows, pigs, rabbits, and chickens each summer. But this year, my youngest son, the only child still at home, wasn’t so thrilled about attending. I made it clear to him that we were still going but that he had a choice: he could make the evening a pleasant one or he could continue to be angry. He got the point, and after a sipping a large lemon-shake up he was delightful company as we people-watched and strolled the grounds. We laughed at the pig judging contest when we were mistakenly corralled with 4-H kids. We acted like city-folks, pointing out cow pies to avoid on the floor of the barn. In all it was a memorable evening with home-made ice cream to top it off.

When I talk to singles about dating and marriage, I give the same type of advice: your mate choice will influence the level of pleasantness or difficulty you’ll have in the time ahead. Choose wisely and your marriage will be hard work but enjoyable. Choose poorly and it will range from very difficult to unbearable.

Granted, my son had to make a choice regarding his attitude…he could choose to be positive and enjoy himself or he could choose to continue to resist and make us both miserable. Why would he choose to be miserable (other than to be rebellious toward me)?

When we choose a mate we aren’t choosing our attitude but rather the degree of a lifetime of relational work. There will be some people with whom a relationship will be a very difficult struggle: those whose personalities clash with ours, those who hold different spiritual or moral values, those who share few things in common with us. Choose someone like this and we will, in essence, be choosing to be miserable! With others a relationship will naturally be less problematic: similar interests, faith, upbringing, lifestyle, values, work ethic, and other commonalities will lend themselves to easier communication and compromising.

Relationships in and of themselves require a great deal of effort to maintain. Even the best “matches” have struggles and sometimes end in divorce. There are no guarantees a relationship will work no matter how good it starts. And with a strong commitment to the relationship and to God, even the “worst” pairings can endure. My point is, that who we choose to date (and ultimately marry) determines to a large degree how much effort will be required later to keep the relationship not just alive but also thriving.

We can choose to marry anyone we want, but we must be aware of what comes with that choice. If we want to marry someone with whom we already have tension, stress, and frustration, we should be aware that it will require enormous effort just to stay committed. Given the high divorce rate within the church, I believe we deceive ourselves if we think that simply choosing another Christian will give us a good marriage. We must guard our hearts and protect them from the wounding that a bad marriage can do.

Is it hard to wait for a “good” match? You bet. But I have tremendous respect both for the never-been-married single adults who, with great wisdom, have said “pass” to difficult relationships and protected their hearts in the process, and for the divorced single who takes things slow saying, “Been there, don’t want to do that again!”

What’s my point? If we want to be married, instead of making marriage our goal, we must make having a good marriage our goal. That starts with the person we choose to date! This person potentially will influence our lives for years to come, and the degree of difficulty in marriage will be largely determined by how well matched we are. We must keep our eyes open and watch out for the “cow pies on the floor” when dating…too much maneuvering around them now can signal trouble down the road!

We must value our lives and our hearts enough to hold back and choose well. We give ourselves and our future mates the best start we can by choosing well at the starting gate. Marriage is a long race. Our chances of finishing and finishing well will be greatly increased by making the best choice we can. Let’s think about that the next time we go on a date…is this someone with whom the race will be only endurable rather than enjoyable? Will we be exhausted at the finish line or celebrating a win? The choice is ours; to God’s glory may we choose well.

7/22/09

In a few hours I will be interviewed for a local cable channel community calendar program in order to promote our SinglesFest ’09 event. All morning, as I have been ruminating over what to say, I have focused on asking myself, “Why are we doing this event?” In a nutshell, we want to affirm singles. We want to show them that they are valued members of our community worth celebrating with a festival. We also want them to know that they are just as valuable to God as married people, and if they so choose to make Fairhaven their home church they will as appreciated and served as those who are married.

But the question that I throw out to those of you who are serving is not “Why” but rather “How” are we doing this event? Today’s verse of the week (Colossians 3:17) is a good reminder that we are serving others in the name of God. That puts a unique spin on how we approach others at our event. If we are doing this in the name of God, we will approach others with love, grace, and compassion. We will seek to make them feel welcome and comfortable. We will put their needs before our own. This could be quite a challenge!

We have no idea what the weather will be like or how many singles will be coming (we’re planning for 1,000!), but we are preparing the best we can. However, it is likely that if you are serving, you may be inconvenienced at some point by an unexpected glitch in the system or some other unavoidable problem. Perhaps you will be confronted by a grumpy guest, or maybe your replacement won’t show up on time.

Whatever the issue, please keep in mind that how we do this event is as important as why we are doing it. Give thanks to God for the opportunity to serve before you even arrive. Thank him every time you have a positive interaction with someone who makes it easy for you to show the love of Christ. And when you run into a difficult situation, remember that we are doing this for Him. You are Jesus in the flesh at this event. Ask him to empower you to serve with His heart, and to be gracious through any rough moments. Let people see Christ in you and you will bless them with an event that will benefit them far more than they could have ever expected.

Thank you to those who have already signed up to serve! We’ll see you at the Pep Rally this Saturday at 7:30 pm in the choir room. Don’t forget to bring a bright colored t-shirt for us to iron on a SF logo. And everyone, whether or not you are serving, please, pray that we are favored with good weather and that 1,000 or more singles will come and be touched with the love of God!

7/16/09

“Are we there yet?” is the common query of traveling children. Impatience sets in after the first few minutes; the destination becomes the goal and no longer is the view out the window enjoyable. Until they are “there”, children are unhappy!

I used to easily get discouraged about not being “there” yet in my faith. For a long time I had the idea that one day I would be a finished product, having arrived at the destination of “Christian maturity.” I thought a day would come when I no longer would be struggling, no longer would be in pain, and no longer would be growing. I imagined I would no longer need to change because I would be perfected. Yeah, right, I really did think that way. But somehow, as life went by, rather than improving I found more and more areas where I wasn’t quite “there”. At times I even felt like I was going backwards. Would I ever get “there”?

I was child-like in my demand to be finished. Another book, another study, another gut-wrenching search of my soul all produced the same result…continued imperfection! Finally I understood that my life is a work in progress. God started me on my faith journey, he leads me as I go, he helps me to grow and be transformed into his likeness, but I won’t arrive “there”, the point of completion, until Christ returns! I will never be a full-grown Christian while I am living in this imperfect, sinful body in this broken world.

I am in transit, and have made moving forward in my journey my goal, leaving the arrival time up to God. So now I ask, “How far have I come?” Is there evidence of my walk with Christ? Am I further in my walk than I was last year? Last week? Am I bearing good fruit where I once had none? Do I have a deeper, more intimate relationship with God? Have my relationships with other people improved?

Even a better question is, “Am I still moving?” Or have I decided that where I am is good enough? Am I settling for taking half a trip instead of continuing on? Or do I press ahead, knowing that the journey will sometimes be painful as I allow God to shape and change me?

If I have repented, if I am pursuing growth, if I am allowing God to come in and repair my broken parts, if I am surrendering myself to his control, then I have done what God has asked of me. He is the one who will bring me to completion; I cannot do it myself. It is reassuring however, to know that one day I will finally be all grown up. I will be “there”. Until then, though, I’m happy to go along for the ride.

7/2/09

Have you ever been discriminated against? This question was posed by our Senior Pastor, Dr. David Smith this weekend. I think most of us can recall a time when we felt we were unfairly treated, perhaps because of our gender, race, spiritual or beliefs. These are rather serious issues that we need to address in our society, but smaller ones exist that may slip by us.

Pastor Smith told the story of how his family had been rejected for a pet adoption because in the past they’d had a cat that ran away. “Unfair!” said he and his four boys.

I feel a repetitive sense of discrimination every time I shop for pants. Why do clothing manufacturers ignore people like me who have extremely long legs? Did they forget that I exist and that I need pants, too? Can’t they give me another inch or two of fabric?

It’s unfortunate, but I hear from many single adults that when they go to church it’s a bit like me shopping for pants. They feel ignored, overlooked, unappreciated. Their unique needs aren’t addressed. Sometimes they feel like no one even knows they exist. How difficult would it be to give single adults another inch of fabric?

Let me go on the record right now and say that single adults have more “fabric” here at Fairhaven Church than any I’ve ever seen. Pastor Smith has a heart for singles, and preached an entire sermon on singleness last year. Scriptures are taught as they apply to both married and single people. They are given equal “mention” in messages. Additionally, a significant amount of resources are allocated to single adult ministry, including my full-time employment. I’m not trying to toot our horn; I just wish we were the rule and not the exception.

So what if you’re single and attending a church that feels like a pants store for married people? May I make some helpful suggestions based on my past experiences? First, whatever you do, do not go blast your pastor for ignoring your needs. He deserves your respect, and you would be wise to approach him with humility. Most pastors truly are unaware of their own shortcomings in this area (maybe because most are married?). They are not deliberately trying to exclude anyone, and if approached in the right manner, i.e. if you speak the truth in love, most will listen thoughtfully to what you have to say.

Second, invite your pastor to meet with you at a time that is low-stress for him. Do not grab him in the hallway before or after a service. Make an appointment when you can both meet with little else pressing.

Third, be prepared. Telling your pastor that you feel overlooked will be far less helpful to him than if you have specific examples of what is happening that leads to you feeling overlooked. Did he mention couples five times in his last sermon yet failed to point out something that could be quite helpful to singles? Are there classes on marriage but nothing for singles?

Also helpful to have would be statistics on the percentage of single adults who live around your church. Is that statistic reflected in the congregation? If not, it may help your pastor see that he isn’t reaching this group.

More important, be prepared with ideas. People are far more willing to listen to problems if you can suggest some solutions at the same time. What would you like to see happen? How do you think single adults could be best acknowledged and served in your congregation?

Fourth, be prepared to say yes, or no. When a single adult makes the effort to lovingly confront her pastor and is prepared with solutions, frequently the pastor will ask that person to lead the charge and perhaps even lead a ministry. You should be prepared ahead of time for this possibility. God may have laid this burden on your heart because he is calling you to ministry, or he may have simply called you to be the messenger. Pray about both and listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Knowing ahead of time what God is calling you to do will keep you from stepping in for the wrong reasons.

Fifth, don’t give up on talking to God and your pastor. Even if you don’t get the reception you’d like, keep the lines of communication open. Drop your pastor an encouraging note every so often so he knows you are really listening to what he says. Get plugged in to the activities of your church, and encourage other single adults you know to serve, too. Making yourselves more visible will help your pastor remember you when he writes his sermons.

And last, remember, none of us get all of our needs met through the church. Ask God to show you how else you can get your needs met. Perhaps you could extend yourself and invite some friends over for a potluck dinner to meet your need for socialization. Maybe you could get involved in a singles group outside of your church in order to grow in your spiritual walk. Be proactive rather than reactive when you feel you aren’t receiving what you need. When you do find a pair of long pants (and you will…) you will be reassured that someone really does care about you!

6/18/09

In the Long Run

A few nights ago, I had a short span of uncommitted time but was too exhausted to pick up a book, which is my usual way to fill a few spare minutes. Instead, I flipped on the television, and was confronted with a “reality” show, this one featuring newlyweds. About ten seconds into the show I was ready to flip the channel when the discussion amongst the couples in the hot tub (what else?) turned interesting.

One couple, the only one to have waited until their wedding night to have sex, was asked rather flippantly, “So what was that like to wait until your wedding night? How was it?” As this couple openly shared that they hadn’t even seen each other naked before that night, the other couples became very quiet and attentive. Details aside (you’ll have to watch the show), as this couple spoke with obvious joy about the specialness of their first time together the attitude of other couples changed from ‘You’ve got to be kidding me; you waited?” to “Wow.”

One woman sadly commented, “On our wedding night, it was like every other night. We looked at each other, said “maybe in the morning,’ rolled over and went to sleep.” Others shook their heads in agreement.

Now, I may be reading too much into their expressions, but the couples who hadn’t waited looked very disappointed. It was perhaps the first time these couples realized that they might have missed out on having a “wedding night to remember.” I felt a bit sad for them and wondered if they had ever contemplated waiting until they married to have sex, or if they simply did what most people in our culture do today.

Then I thought about how, as Christians, we are also easily influenced by our culture. If we very narrowly define what “sex” is, it becomes easy to rationalize our behavior to “fit” our faith into our culture. One woman told me, “We don’t have sex, but we do everything else.” She honestly believed that as long as she and her boyfriend weren’t having actual intercourse they were staying sexually pure.

However, if we become fearful of our culture, we can define “sex” too broadly; even hand holding and other expressions of affection are labeled as sexual. This belief tends to call something sinful that isn’t (of course, that all depends on what is going on in the minds of those holding hands! It is very possible that for some, hand holding might initiate sinful thoughts.)

Eventually the TV show was so boring that I went into “deep thought” mode. I wrestled with how to appropriately explain the preciousness of one’s sexuality to my thirteen-year old son, to encourage him to uphold God’s standard of waiting so that he can anticipate a sacred wedding night. One example I thought of was that his sexuality is like a Christmas gift placed under the tree for him, waiting to be opened on December 25. Picking up and shaking the gift might tempt him to open the wrapper to take just a peek. From there, the progression from opening the package a little more each day to actually playing with the gift and then rewrapping it is easy to understand, especially when one peek through the paper showed him that it was the coolest gift he had ever seen. Surely, he would have great joy playing with the gift ahead of Christmas. However, when Christmas came, and I handed him the gift that had been wrapped and re-wrapped dozens of times, his anticipation level would be zero looking at what had once been a beautifully wrapped package but which now raggedly held the toy which no longer captured his full delight. How different Christmas Day would be if he waited until then to open it.

Too often we also settle for immediate gratification rather than waiting for full delight at Christmas (our wedding day). It’s hard to set aside until tomorrow what we want today, so we sneak a peek here and there until there’s nothing left to surprise us. Some of us are sure Christmas will never come, so we also refuse to wait. And then there are those of us who don’t ever want to celebrate Christmas, so why not go ahead and enjoy the gifts today?

We get mad at God for setting limits on our behavior. Like kids, we balk at instruction and think we know best. We push the limits and sometimes ignore them altogether. We unwrap and rewrap packages at will. But to what end?

Ultimately, God’s plan for one man to bond with one woman at marriage has been shown to produce happier marriages, a lower divorce rate, lower infidelity rates, and higher sexual satisfaction rates. It seems as if God does know better than his kids after all. Unwrapping and rewrapping doesn’t just steal the anticipation of a wedding night, it actually undermines a marriage itself. The package that is opened at Christmas brings greater enjoyment in the long run.

Difficult? Yes. A worthy investment? Indeed. Impossible? No. The supernatural power of God is available to help us leave the package wrapped until Christmas. He can help us rewrap and leave wrapped any we have already opened. Tough as it is, we’ll give any future marriage its best chance to succeed, and we’ll also have a great story to tell someday, hot tub or not!

6/11/09

What are you doing this summer?

For seven months a team of dedicated singles has been quietly planning SinglesFest, a huge festival that will take place on Friday, July 31 beginning at 6 pm in Stubbs Park. Now that the event is just around the corner, the team is working at a somewhat fevered pitch to put the final details into place. I can’t share with you how exciting it has been to watch God take our dreams for SinglesFest and guide the pieces into place as we have trusted him along the way. Now I want to share the dream with you…

Imagine a thousand single adults sitting on the slope of the hill that rises from the amphitheater of Stubbs Park, enjoying Christian and secular music. See them enjoying a free hot dog, a cold drink, or a slice of watermelon. Hear their kids scream with delight as they bounce in a giant inflatable. Watch as they toss a beach ball through the crowd, or get called up to the stage to collect their free door prize. Join them in a game of corn hole or giant twister.

Why would we do all of this? Our general purpose is to extend to singles and their kids the love of Christ by giving them a fun summer evening in the park. But specifically, we want to invite them into community with the Single Vine, with Fairhaven Church, and with Jesus Christ. Hope and healing come through relationship with others and God; this event will give us another means of helping singles get connected.

So what are you doing on July 31? Can you imagine yourself handing out cans of cold soda, or slicing up watermelon, or handing out invitations to our next dance? Do you have a heart for helping other singles find the connection you’ve already made? Then join the fun by offering your time and energy to serve at SinglesFest! Just send us an email or give me a call and we’ll add you to the growing list of SinglesFest ’09 volunteers. Not only will you connect with new singles, you’ll have a ball serving with the friends you already know!

6/4/09

Grieving

Recently we lost one of our single friends, a vibrant beautiful woman. Those who remain are working through the painful stages of grief. Loss is never easy.

As I have been preparing for her memorial service, I came across this poem. I hope it will help those of you who knew and loved Cindy M., and any of those of you who are still struggling with any other tragic loss.

I don’t know why…
I’ll never know why…
I don’t like it…
I don’t have to like it…

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living.
What I do have to do is accept it and go on living.
The choice is mine.

I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before,
Or I can be destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others.
I thought I was immortal, that my children and my family were also,
That tragedy happened only to others…
But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable.

And I choose to go on living, making the most of the time I have,
And valuing my family and friends in a way I never did before.

By Iris Bolton

Because God loves us, we are his children. Cindy was his child. So are others who we have loved and lost. By God’s grace we will be together again one day.

5/21/09

The Power of Prayer

I awoke last Friday full of energy; it was my day off, the sun was shining, and I was determined to tackle my long list of spring cleaning chores. First I went through my bathroom drawers and shelves, throwing away old make-up, lotions, hair spray, tanning creams, perfumes, etc.

With one trash bag filled and a much neater master bath, I moved on to my closet and ruthlessly packed up the winter items I never wore last season along with numerous suits and other summer pieces that were only taking up valuable room. Three bags filled with clothes and one with hangers…I was on a roll and not ready to stop.

Next I moved down to the garage, pulled out all the bikes (why do we have nine bikes for 5 people?), wagons, golf clubs, & assorted yard toys, and swept the leaves, spiders, and other debris from the walls, floors, and ceiling corners.

The lawn was the third job to tackle, but before I could mow I had to rake up a pile of shrub clippings and haul them into the woods. Back at the mower, I decided to send a quick text to my daughter to ask her if she’d like the dog-tie rope I’d discovered when cleaning the garage. My hand patted my waistband, searching for my phone. It wasn’t there.

I quickly poked my head into the kitchen, certain I must have laid my phone on the counter before coming outside. No phone. Since I already had on my dirty mowing shoes, I decided I would finish that job, clean up, and then look for my phone in the rest of the house.

The mowing job was the last one I completed on my list that day, as finding my phone took precedent over all other uncompleted tasks. A made a cursory glance around the house and still no phone. No problem, I thought, as I picked up the land line and dialed my cell. Then I recalled setting it to vibrate the night before. The task of finding my phone was becoming increasingly difficult.

Enlisting my 20-year-old son’s help, I hugged the bags of discarded clothing, listening and burrowing while he continued to dial my number. With no success, I moved on to the trash can, searching through the bag of bathroom cast-offs. From there I hiked into the woods with a rake and dug through the clippings. Still no phone.

I dejectedly walked back to my son’s room with the news. He encouraged me to retrace my steps. I argued that I had. He argued back that I should do it again. (Did I mention that he is going to law school this fall?) So I retraced and he continued to dial, following me and making suggestions along the way. Bathroom, closet, trash, bags of clothes, garage, lawn, clippings. I was near tears.

Walking back toward the house from the woods, I suddenly was struck by an “I’ve done it again” thought. I’d panicked over a situation that I believed I should be able to fix. I was trying to solve my problem without first going to God and asking Him for help. The old tapes from my childhood were at play: “Take care of it yourself. God doesn’t care about the little things in your life.”

Stopping along the path, I closed my eyes and repented. Then I prayed, “God, you know where my phone is, and I don’t. I desperately need your help.” Then I heard a very quiet but familiar buzz. Opening my eyes I discovered my cell phone, clipped on to a branch within three feet of where I stood.

My first thought was that God had picked my phone up from wherever I had misplaced it and tacked it to the bush right in front of me. And while that really would have been an amazing story, the simple truth is miraculous enough. I remembered that when I hauled the clippings to the woods, I stopped to move a large honeysuckle bush that the dog had pulled into the walkway. Apparently, as I lifted it out of the way, I slid it along my waist where it “picked up” my phone.

So while I can’t tell you a story of flying cell phones, I can share about the still small voice of the Holy Spirit that prompted me to recognize the error of my self-sufficiency and pray right when I was in front of the very bush where He knew my cell phone was buzzing. I can share with you about a God who cares about the things that matter to me. And I can share with you about Him demonstrating His power to me through answered prayer. That is where I choose to put my faith, in His power, not in my own or any other man’s wisdom. (See today’s verse, 1 Corinthians 2:5)

When I discovered my phone, I called to my son, “Come here! You will never believe this!” What a fitting demonstration to share with a young man who is preparing to study much of man’s wisdom. God’s power was at work.

Look for His power in your life. Ask. Seek. Knock. Listen. He is waiting to hear from you. He is waiting to talk to you. Put the power of prayer to work in your life. Watch your faith grow as he answers. Then tell others about what He has done. He is good and He is powerful!

5/14/09

In what direction are you headed?

How many times have you made a decision with your heart only to kick yourself later? Have you been enticed to purchase something you couldn’t afford? Have you entered into a relationship because of a strong emotional pull despite knowing the person wasn’t “right” for you? Have you found yourself making a lot of excuses in order to have what you desire only to admit later that you were fooling yourself?

Andy Stanley, author of The Principle of the Path, says that we are “experts at deceiving ourselves.” Today’s Bible verse, Jeremiah 17:9 echoes that sentiment. When we rely on our emotions to make decisions, we often discover that our hearts have led us down a path that our head wouldn’t have chosen. Our hearts are deceitful; they tell us that it’s OK to pursue what we want despite the obvious warning signs. Our intentions may be good, but when we head in the wrong direction we’ll end up at the wrong destination. Stanley summarizes his “Principle of the Path” as this: Direction, Not Intention, Determines Destination.

Let me illustrate, simply at first. You may have every intention of driving to California, but if you head south on Interstate 75, you will find yourself in Florida instead. The direction you followed determined your destination, not your intention.

In a slightly more complex example, a college student intends to become a doctor. However, the allure of partying every weekend leads him to minimize his study time. His intention hasn’t changed, but his choices are taking him in a new direction. Whether or not he becomes a doctor depends on his ability to recognize and change the direction of his life.

It’s easy to violate the “Principle of the Path” in many areas of our lives. We intend to save money but our spending habits reveal that we spend more than we make. We say we want to have a closer relationship with God, but we don’t take any steps to build that relationship. We say we want a solid “Christian” dating relationship, but we jump into bed with the first person who shows us a bit of affection. We know where we want to be tomorrow, but the decisions we make today aren’t directing us there.

Somehow, we believe that we will get what we wish for in the future independent of our current choices. We ignore the red flags that tell us we are going in the wrong direction. “Road out ahead” the signs say, but we drive on, sure that we can somehow get what our heart desires today without crashing and burning later. So we ignore the shut-off notices and charge another night out on our credit card.

Dating is an area where we are especially susceptible to ignoring the “Principle of the Path.” The chemicals that are released when we enter into a dating relationship can make us so “dizzy” it almost impossible for us to determine which direction we are going. Our hearts are enjoying the rush of emotion, and they can convince our heads to come up with a list of reason why what should be a “no-go” relationship is a good idea. Again, as Stanley said, “We are experts at deceiving ourselves.”

When a guy tells me about someone he’s dating and he mentions a big red warning flag, something like, “Well, she is married…” invariably he follows up with ten reasons why it is OK for them to be dating. Why for some reason their relationship is unique and won’t end up at the same destination as others who have been so foolish to go down the same path. His heart has convinced him to go in one direction even though his intention was to date another kind of woman…a single one!

How can you avoid being deceived by your heart? First of all, surrender your life to God, and then seek his will for you. Ask Him to show you where He would like your life to go. Keep that destination in mind and aim for that rather than listening to where your heart might lead. If your goal is to pay off your loans, begin putting some money aside each week. If you want to marry a Christian, date only Christians. Stop letting your deceitful heart entice you into a direction that doesn’t match your desired destination.

Another useful step would be to attend the goal-setting seminar this weekend. You’ll learn some useful tools to help you stay headed in the right direction in order to reach your God-given dreams. Don’t be led astray by your fickle emotions only to regret the consequences. Apply the “Principle of the Path” to your life and end up where you want to go. God has good plans for you, but you have to walk on the right path to get there!

5/7/09

Really?

I’m a compulsive morning newspaper reader (I suppose there is a support group for that somewhere…). My body needs the first hour of the morning to catch up with my mind, so use that time to pray, read my Bible, and then reach for the Dayton Daily News. If I feel active enough by then, I even manage to eat some breakfast while I digest the local and national happenings, reflect on the editorials, and scan the letters to the editor. A creature of habit, I save the “light” section of entertainment news for last. How fitting that the “Dear Abby” column runs in this section, for most days I indeed find it good for a laugh. This morning was one of those days.

One of today’s letters to Abby was written by a man who couldn’t figure out how to get his wife to stop hitting him. Really. He was afraid if he confronted her about her behavior that she would become angry or offended. Really. He said she once took a golf club out of his hands and whacked him across the legs with it. Really. And he says he is afraid to make her angry? I’m guessing she already is!

So while I was chuckling at the situation, it was also painful to me to imagine a man so withered and fearful that he would not even protect himself from abusive behavior. I would like to send this poor fellow a book on boundary setting. Last night at the singles gathering we discussed this very topic, and what happens to us when we refuse to set limits on other people’s hurtful behavior.

Simply said, setting a boundary with someone is defining what you will not tolerate in a relationship. Often the reason we fail to set limits with someone is because we are afraid of the other person’s response, just like Abby’s friend. We fear that someone might become angry, or leave us, or be disappointed with us, or question our faith, or call us unkind, or, well, you fill in the blank with the fear that keeps you from speaking up for yourself.

Failing to set limits gives other people control of our lives. They walk all over us and we cower in the corner, afraid to say ‘no,’ attracting more abusive people through our unwillingness to protect the resources that God has entrusted to us: our hearts, minds, bodies, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, values, etc. And as today’s verse (Leviticus 19:17) implies, when we fail to frankly rebuke our neighbor (i.e. set limits) we end up hating him in our heart. Then we, like him, have also sinned.

The gentleman who wrote to Abby will probably have a difficult time setting boundaries with his wife since he has allowed her to hit him for years. With each successive whack that brought no limit from him, he sent her the message that her behavior was acceptable. “Retraining” her now will be somewhat like taking the pacifier away from a four-year-old…his limits will be met with much resistance!

Likewise, when we begin to say ‘no’ to those whom we have errantly said ‘yes,’ we will probably get a strong response, often the one we have feared all along. With prayer, support from friends, and a conscious effort to be honest and protective of ourselves, we can bring a new dynamic to our relationships. The bullies find they can no longer push us around. Those who previously manipulated us with their anger learn that they can yell all they want and we won’t change our minds. We let critical and shaming comments pass by without trying to please the people who attempt to use guilt as a relational tool.

In short, we find freedom through boundaries when we stop letting others determine our choices. We don’t let anger accumulate in our hearts; we speak openly and honestly without fear.

If you are struggling with setting boundaries, pick up the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Christ came to set us free, so embrace that freedom and the choices that he has given you to make, and take control of your life back. Otherwise, you might find yourself writing to “Dear Abby” someday. The entertainment section deserves better fare than that, and I prefer a good laugh with my coffee.

4/30/09

Feedback

Last week I wrote about the dynamics involved with requesting a first date…and suggested that if a woman wants a man who will be a leader in their relationship she will let him pursue her. She won’t play games or ask for a date. She’ll be content with simply being herself, believing that the right man for her will step up to the plate and ask her out. I believe that God created women to long for this pursuit, to be desired by a man who finds her mysteriously irresistible! I also believe that God created men with a natural desire to do the pursuing. When a woman pursues a man, both are outside of their natural roles.

After I sent last week’s email, I braced myself for responses telling me I was backwards and old-fashioned. Instead I was surprised by what you wrote… many of you long for a revival of chivalry! So much for the women’s liberation movement as far as dating is concerned, at least among Christians. One man did suggest that at times it might be appropriate for a woman to ask a man out first. And one woman argued that waiting was only an option for outwardly beautiful women. (I disagree but won’t argue the point here.) Everyone else gave whole-hearted agreement that a man should do the initial asking, although a few had to think about what I wrote for a while before agreeing with my conclusions.

One woman wrote: “I’m in favor of women’s rights, but I agree that men like it better when they do the asking and pursuing. I’m wondering if men are biologically wired that way or if they are raised that way? Maybe it’s a little of both…I had 100% failure rate when I asked men out, so I gave up. It’s really hard to wait for the guy to ask you out, but I think you have to or the guy isn’t interested. You can almost guarantee failure if you pursue him.”

Another wrote, “…if you want a spiritual leader, you have to start from the beginning by allowing him to ask you for a first date.”

The gentlemen chimed in, too. “Your article helped me to start taking the pressure OFF myself. I also feel better knowing there are a few more women out there who will give some guys a break and time to muster up the courage they need,” wrote one. Another wrote about learning not to push for a date, rather to be respectful of a woman’s judgment about her own readiness.

So thanks for the feedback and encouragement! One of your comments inspired me to reread the book Captivating by Stasi and John Eldridge. In it, Stasi proposes that women have three God-given desires: the desire for romance, the desire to be part of an adventure, and the desire to have her beauty unveiled. Guys, if your dating life hasn’t been what you’d like it to be, take note. Women want the romance of being pursued by you. They want you to invite them to join you on an adventure. And they want you to get to know the beauty that lies below the surface. How might this translate for you?

Romance – Make some special plans for your dates; don’t just park in front of the TV set on Friday nights. Bring her flowers. Send a note. Share the feelings you are developing for her. Take the lead in helping the relationship grow. Pursue!

Adventure –Share your passion for adventure. Is there anything exciting happening in your life? Are you involved in ministry or sports or a hobby? Invite a woman to join you in your pursuits or find a new one you both enjoy.

Beauty – Take time to get to know and appreciate a woman’s inner beauty…this is incredibly affirming to a woman. Talk to her, investigate what makes her tick, and find out her likes and dislikes. We sense when a man is simply interested in us because of our looks or if he has explored and come to appreciate who we are on the inside.

If you would like to have a better understanding of how the opposite sex is wired by God, I recommend that men read Captivating and women read Wild at Heart (by John Eldridge). God created men and women with many differences, not just physical ones. We are compatible helpers for each other; we compliment rather than duplicate. Celebrating our differences and acting accordingly brings relationships into the harmony that God intended. And go ahead, write me back with “your thoughts” on the subject!

4/23/09

Should she ask?

I had lunch last week with a single male coworker to whom I decided to pose the question, “Should a woman ask a man out for the first date?” His cheeky reply was that his sister would never have had a date otherwise! Seriously, we had an open conversation where we debated the pros and cons of the woman making the first move. And from what I could tell we were in different camps.

I’ll be up front and tell you my opinion: not only should a woman not ask a man out for a first date, she but she also shouldn’t even pursue a man. Before you send me a rebuttal email, hear me out. (And be prepared for me to ask, “Is your way working for you? Do you simply have dates or do you build relationships?”

First, let me define pursuing as chasing, coercing, or otherwise manipulating circumstances to persuade a man to ask you out. To give up pursuing means no little nudges through email or by phone. No “accidentally” showing up where a man works, exercises, or otherwise hangs out. And no suggestions about your desire to see the latest movie.

Can I be very honest with you ladies? A guy does need a little encouragement from you to get up his nerve to ask you for a date. You can assist him by letting him know through your behavior that you would be likely to say “yes” if was to ask. Simply perk up around him, smile, and be warm and friendly. But don’t step into his role.

And that’s why I think a woman should let the man pursue…because it’s his role to lead. Men are designed by God to be the pursuers. Yes, a man may be flattered to have a woman ask him out, but when a woman makes the first move it puts her in the position of being the aggressor in that relationship. (Interestingly, the women who tend to go ahead and do the asking also complain to me that men are too passive and unwilling to take the lead. They want a strong man!)

If you have sent the right signals and a man doesn’t ask you out, there may be several reasons why:

He just isn’t that “into you.” Accept with grace that he considers you just a friend. In time he may see you differently if you are able to continue to be friendly but not pushy. If you go ahead and ask him out, he may say “yes” to keep from hurting your feelings or because he has nothing better to do, but it is likely that he will eventually feel awkward being around you if he senses you want more from him than he is ready to give. Then, if he pulls away, you’ve lost your chance. Better to let time go by and remain his friend than to push him and make him disclose his disinterest.

He isn’t mature enough to make the first move. If this is the case, think about why you are attracted to a man who won’t take the role of a leader and would rather passively wait for you to take the risk. A future relationship with this man will probably continue only with you being the in the lead. If this is OK with you, then go for it! Otherwise, give him time and space to gather up his courage. If he does, you’ll both have a victory.

The timing isn’t right for him to be in a relationship. Maybe he had a recent break up. Maybe he is having financial issues and doesn’t want to date until he gets back on his feet. Maybe one of his kids is struggling and he needs to commit his time to him or her. Whatever the reason, respect that a man has enough sense to know when the time isn’t right. If this is the case, you’ll just have to be patient. And here’s the kicker…you never know when this is the case! If a man doesn’t respond to your subtle hints, swallow your pride, quit pushing, and trust that he knows what’s best for him. Again, how you respond when a man seems to put you off may determine whether or not he develops an interest in you when the timing is right.

So what is a woman to do? Wait. Respond when a man shows initiative. Be patient. Give a man some time to get to know the real you without any pressure. Pray. A lot. Pray for wisdom, patience, and self-control. Pray for the men you are interested in. Trust that God will bring the right man into your life at the right time. Enjoy your life. Don’t try to fill your own social calendar with dates. Wait for a man who really wants to be with you and is willing to pursue you in order to do so!

4/16/09

Angry?

One of the most complicated and difficult to understand emotions that I have is anger. Anger was not an acceptable emotion in my family of origin, and so I went through the first thirty-five years of life suppressing my anger, frightened not only of my own but also of anger in others. What I learned at home and “heard” in church was that anger was a sin, something so dreadful that it must be avoided at all costs.

Because I feared anger, I stayed away from angry people. My friends and eventual mate were all people who were passive and safe, highly unlikely to scare with me with any anger at all. It was as if we had an unspoken agreement to keep the waters of our relationships smooth even if sharks were lurking underneath. As a result, the relationships were quite shallow and my marriage simply limped along for years.

A pending divorce propelled me into a recovery program. What I discovered was a new name for people like me who never got angry: liar. A sweet smile covering an angry heart: liar. A reassurance that everything was OK between us when I was seething inside: liar. Undisclosed bitterness, grudges, & hostility: liar. I had been hiding the truth for so long I didn’t even know how much lying I had been doing.

Convinced that lying was sinful, I began “experimenting” with telling God and others how I really felt. What surprised me was that the emotion that kept popping out was anger. I hadn’t realized just how angry I was…at the world, my parents, my (then) husband, God, the church. No doubt others could sense the anger brewing below the surface that drove my critical attitude.

I studied about Jesus getting angry in the temple. If Jesus not only was angry but also expressed it a very openly and energetically, perhaps it really was all right for me to get angry, too.

What I learned in my head and am still trying to bury in my heart is a three-fold lesson. Lesson one is that anger is an acceptable emotion, given to me by God to express wisely. It’s OK to admit it when I get angry. Reading the Psalms where David expresses his anger to God reminds me of this truth.

Lesson two is that I need to collect a lot of “evidence” through much listening and cautious questioning before I choose to become angry. Anger should come slowly as a decision, not a reaction (See today’s verse, James 1:19-20). I try to act like a judge who hears a lot of testimony before rendering a verdict on whether or not anger is merited.

Lesson three is that the wrong expression of my anger is what’s sinful, not the anger itself. If I respond unkindly, get violent, or speak harmful words, then my response to my anger isn’t righteous. Anger is a little like fire, useful but also dangerous when uncontrolled. The temptation to sin when I am angry is huge, so I need to be slow to anger to avoid setting a wild fire! Proper expression of my anger is critical. I have become far more honest by learning self-control and “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) instead of denying that I am angry at all.

Do I still struggle with fearing anger? Yes. My heart races when someone near me is angry, but I remind myself that anger is just a feeling and that their anger won’t hurt me. I don’t always handle my own anger perfectly, but I’m getting better at distinguishing between righteous anger and anger that pops up from my own overreaction to past hurts or a misunderstanding. My adrenaline still flows when I have to confront, but I force myself to honestly speak about what I’m feeling.

Does my fear of anger control me like it used to, causing me to go undercover and lie or run away? No. God has been gently healing me, replacing my false beliefs with truths from his word, and restoring my emotional balance.

If you share a similar struggle with fearing anger, or are at the other end of the spectrum and uncontrollably exploding with rage, God can and will restore you as well. It won’t be easy, but the results are worth the journey. Ask him to change you, to help you, to heal you. He will! And consider joining us on Tuesday nights at the singles gathering where you can connect with other singles that are also growing and seeking God’s help. We’re doing life together, one day at a time.

4/9/09

Easter weekend is at hand…what comes to mind? Jelly beans and egg hunts? Certainly “the world” has secularized the most holy of Christian days, and it’s easy for us to get caught up in the fun.

Is your Easter more like a celebration of spring rather than the new life we have in Christ? What does it mean that Christ died on the cross, and more importantly that he arose from the grave?

If the meaning of Easter is unclear to you, or if Christ’s death and resurrection haven’t impacted your life, I invite you to attend a church service this weekend. Come discover the real meaning of Easter. Fairhaven has services on Saturday at 6 pm and on Sunday at 8, 9:30, and 11:15 am. If you come, you will find out why Easter is about far more than plastic eggs and baskets of candy. Our hope is in Jesus Christ, the risen Lord!

4/2/09

Today’s verse (Luke 13:8) may seem a little odd at first glance. It comes from a parable that Jesus told about an unfruitful tree that a vineyard owner ordered to be cut down. The vinedresser stepped in and advocated for the tree to be given some time, care, and fertilizer rather than just cutting it down.

This is a beautiful picture of what Jesus does for us as sinners who sometimes stumble and struggle and fail to bear fruit. His death on the cross was a “no” to the cutting down of the law. He stepped in to advocate for us. Through his death on the cross we have been given a reprieve from judgment that the law brings. He took the punishment that we deserved due to our sin, giving us the opportunity not only to receive forgiveness from our sins but also the grace and space to grow some fruit.

The acceptance of God’s forgiveness is the first step of our spiritual journey. From there, God wants to “dig around” our roots to show us the truth about who we are and where we are broken, he wants to fertilize us with his grace, and he allows us time to grow as we are loved and nurtured by him and others. Sometimes he even prunes us a little as he reshapes us into new creatures. Ouch! Yes, the process can hurt. It can be difficult. But the outcome is that by availing ourselves to his care we can become healthier trees that begin to bear good fruit.

What does the fruit in your life look like? Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, or addictions? Do you feel stuck in your job, as if you haven’t yet found what you were created to do? Do you have relationships that are unsatisfying because you can’t seem to get close to people? Or perhaps you get too close and smother others with your clinginess?

These kinds of fruit may be signals that you need to allow God to say, “Stop feeling condemned. Let’s take some time to dig around, pull some weeds, fertilize a bit, and take some time to heal, grow, and change.”

On Tuesday nights at the gathering, this is what we’ll be doing in our new series, “Changes that Heal.” We’ll say “no” to feeling guilty about our shortcomings and say “yes” to admitting that we a little pruning, digging, and fertilizer. We’ll look at what we might find when we dig around in the soil of our lives and discover what types of fertilizer can best help us grow new thoughts and behaviors. Please join us on this journey of hope and new life, and put some new fruit on your tree!

3/26/09

A group of us traveled to Beulah Beach on the shores of Lake Erie this past weekend for a singles retreat. The theme of the retreat was “Running the Race” and focused on Paul’s second letter to Timothy. As I listened to our young speaker, began thinking about how what he was saying applied to our upcoming series “Changes that Heal.”

All too often in our Christian “race” we see God as the referee, standing on the sidelines watching for us to commit an infraction, ready to disqualify us from the race. Consequently, when we do stumble outside of our lane, or miss a hurdle, or bump into another runner, we think we hear God calling out, “Disqualified. You’re out! No longer fit to run the race you must leave the race immediately.” And so we hang our heads and leave the track, parking ourselves on the bench and giving up on leading a productive Christian life. In essence, we disqualify ourselves. We believe there is no point in pressing on and so we quit.

A more realistic picture of God is one of coach or trainer…he wants us to stay in the race! When we fall, he will pick us up, brush us off, give us some pointers, and help us to find our stride again. Far from disqualifying us, he forgives us when we repent and then uses our “fall” as we minister to others. However, we must submit ourselves to his training techniques. When we put ourselves on the sideline, he can’t do anything to help us run. We must believe that God will help us as we make an effort to stay on course.

Our new series, “Changes that Heal” will give you glimpses of where you might have taken yourself out of the race in different aspects of maturing. God wants us to heal us from the “sprained ankles” that have discouraged us from completing our journey to adulthood. Find out how God can help you make changes in your life that will not only heal you up but get all of your “parts” in the race! Please join us this Tuesday night at 7 pm in Fairhaven’s basement youth room.

3/19/09

One of the greatest joys in life is to watch your child become and adult and pursue the dreams that God has planted in their hearts. Recently I spent three exciting days sitting in the bleachers in St. Louis to cheer for my twenty-year old son as he swam in NAIA Nationals. As I focused the video camera on him far below on the pool deck, I enjoyed zooming in and just watching him go through his pre-race stretching, prayer, and “pscyching up” routine. That he was even able to qualify for this competition filled my heart with such happiness for him.

You see, Matt wasn’t one of those kids who was a natural athlete. Today he stands 6’7” is a phenomenal machine in the water, but growing up he was awkward and a bit gangly. I’ll never forget the day he came home from basketball camp with tears in his eyes because he just wasn’t speedy and fast like the other boys. It appeared that sports just wouldn’t be his thing. But Matt loved to swim, and that passion kept him in the water even though he was one of the slowest kids on the team for many years. He also developed a great relationship with his coach who encouraged him to persist with the promise that once he stopped growing so fast his hard work would pay off. Indeed, it did.

A college scholarship followed, and for the first time Matt was not only winning races but also setting records. I watched last year as my “grown man” stunned us all with an out-of-nowhere performance in the 200 free and became national champion. This season he suffered from mono, but his persistent spirit kept him in the water trying even with a body that was less than cooperative.

So why am I sharing Matt’s story with you? Because we can all relate it in some way to our own journeys toward adulthood. Some of us naturally were more mature as kids, some of us had better parents to coach us along the way, and some of us just plain struggled and felt like we were always coming in last. Some of us were able to persist through clumsy friendships and family dynamics that weren’t exactly stellar, and some of us “gave up” along the way and quit trying. But all of us, no matter how well we completed the task of growing up into adults who one day could stand on our own in the world, didn’t do so perfectly.

None of us had perfect parents or grew up in a perfect family. Our journeys to adulthood were bumpy, risky, and potentially wounding. And because of sins done by us or to us, most of us still have immature parts that have been left out of the developmental process. Those immature parts may leave us feeling rejected, alone, or prone to addiction. They may cause us to misinterpret relational dynamics and wreak havoc in our own families and friendships. Or they simply may keep us fearful and isolated from others. Whatever the case, immature parts don’t function well in an adult world.

But here is the good news…it’s not too late to join the team and learn some new skills! We can still complete pieces of developmental tasks to bring about changes that not only heal us but also help us to be stronger adults and have better relationships. This is the focus of our next series at the gathering, “Changes that Heal,” which begins Tuesday, March 31. When I was going through my post-divorce process, this material helped me to identify my own shortcomings and with God’s help to heal and have dramatic change in my life. I felt like I suddenly not only was in the race but finally had the skills to be a winner.

If you haven’t joined the crowd on Tuesday nights yet, maybe it’s time to come and join the rest of us who are experiencing the joy of personal discovery and spiritual and emotional growth. You will be amazed at how much stronger you will feel to face the challenges of life’s race!

3/5/09

Joan is taking a much-needed break from thinking this week…

2/26/09

Judgmental or Wise?

One of the traps that I think we can fall into as Christian singles is that we feel judgmental when we cross someone off our “dating possibilities” list. We have been taught not to judge others, to accept, value, and love them just the way they are. Is this wise when dating?

Today’s verse admonishes us to protect our hearts…this is why we need to draw a distinction between judgment and wisdom when dating. It is possible to accept someone without judgment and still pay attention to red flags that might give us heart damage. It is not being judgmental to decide against dating a particular person because of these concerns (although a controlling, manipulative person might try to convince you that if you are a good Christian you would still date him or her!).

It is imperative that we learn to identify and avoid entering relationships with those who author Georgia Shaffer calls “losers.” Ouch! Doesn’t that word smack of judgmentalism? Well, read on as to how she identifies a loser in her book How NOT to Date a Loser and then decide for yourself:

“The term ‘loser’ is not about male-bashing or trashing another person’s self-esteem. Instead, a loser is a hurting person who hurts others. He or she lacks self-awareness and delays the hard work needed to heal, change, and grow. One way to help singles identify losers is to contrast the immature behavior with healthy behavior.

For example:
- Losers blame others. Healthy people take responsibility for their choices and mistakes.
- Losers stay stuck in self-pity. Healthy people bounce back from failure even when it’s hard.
- Losers avoid pain at all costs. Healthy people understand pain is a part of healthy living and growing.”

While we might prefer to use a more gentle word than loser (I like the term not-relationship-ready myself), if we are wise when dating, we won’t fall into the trap of avoiding judgment. Seeing someone for who they are and avoiding the fallout that would come from a dating relationship with them is simply wise. Remember, in the end, a broken heart is far more painful than a lonely one. Be wise, protect your heart, avoid dating losers.

2/19/09

Facing Temptation

Sexual temptation is a reality all singles face when they enter the dating arena. Knowing that we will be tempted should lead us to be prepared for what we will encounter. God will provide us with a way out of temptation (see 1 Cor. 10:13), but it takes effort on our part. If we fail to plan for this temptation, we are planning to fail. No good soldier goes to battle unarmed!

Last night at the singles gathering we discussed ways to conduct ourselves in order to resist sexual temptation, and I want to share some of those with you so that you also can be armed for this inevitable battle. Some are easy, some are difficult, but all will help to keep your relationships pure.

1. Watch what you watch. Some television shows and movies glorify the behavior we are trying to avoid. Watching them is a bit like visiting a bakery when you are on a diet. Acknowledging what is sinful and avoiding it reinforces your own good behavior.

2. Think about what you think about. You have choices about where you let your mind wander. Catch yourself when you begin to fantasize or think unhealthy thoughts. Take those thoughts captive and redirect your mind elsewhere.

3. Go where it’s safe. It’s rare that a couple gets carried away sexually in a public place. Spend you time dating outside of your home or apartment. A side benefit is that you are forced to talk (i.e. build your relationship) rather than spending “face time” that does nothing but frustrate.

4. Plan to succeed. There are many parameters that you can build into your dating plans if you truly want to succeed. Combined, they will make it more likely that you will succeed. First, plan to pray with a steady date each time you are together. Request God’s help in keeping your relationship healthy (for casual daters, a meal prayer is more appropriate). Second, plan for an accountability person, a friend who will support and encourage you to honor God in your relationship. Third, plan your dates for a limited time and with an ending that is early and not at “your place or mine.” The front door is the best place to say good night. Fourth, plan to commit to honoring your date by controlling where your eyes and hands go. If you learn self-control regarding the smaller temptations, you won’t even have to face the larger ones.

5. Desire to honor God in all aspects of your life. Ask him for self-control regarding all temptation. Set your heart and mind on things above and seek him with all your heart. You will find that what is impossible for you to do on your own is very possible with God’s help!

2/11/09

Your Heart and Those Red Flags

So, you say you’ve made your lists of what you’re looking for in a special someone: the ten things you must have and ten things you can’t stand. What do you do when you meet someone who meets the criteria but has some other noticeable “red flags”?

If you’ve been attending the Tuesday night series on “Building Better Relationships” you’ve heard how dangerous those red flags can be. Our natural tendency is to minimize these issues if there are other positives that we find attractive. When we do so, we put our hearts at risk.

A few weeks ago I wrote about avoiding those who are NRR, Not Relationship Ready. Red flags are often the first sign that you or someone else is NRR. While it’s hard to see our own red flags, our gut (the still small voice of the Holy Spirit) is usually pretty good about pointing out the red flags in others. We get into trouble when we override this voice and continue along, letting our hearts become involved, only to have those red flags come marching out in a parade at a later date!

Here are some of the relationship red flags that we discussed this week: Disrespect, Untrustworthy, Self-centered, Recently single, Unwilling to talk about the past, Can’t stop talking about the past, Poor relationship with the parent of opposite sex, Does not claim any responsibility, Hurried to get married, Avoids commitment, Anger problem, and Addictive Behavior. This is only a small list of what should take anyone out of consideration for you as a possible partner, regardless of how they match up to your lists, because they can cause serious problems later on.

Too often I talk to singles that spot these warning signs early in a relationship but move ahead anyway. Their justifications go something like these: “Well, we’re not really serious so it isn’t a big deal right now.” “It’s just nice to have someone to do things with and that red flag isn’t getting in the way.” “I think he will change in time because he is really growing.” “She may not be a Christian, but at least she believes in God (and I think I can lead her to the Lord!).” “It’s his money, so I really don’t need to worry about how he spends it.” “Well, she doesn’t do it around me, so I’m not bothered by it.” “This is just a relationship to get me by until the right person comes along.” “We’re just friends.” Much as I try to point out the danger in this thinking, more often that not my warnings are set aside, and I simply pray, wait, and watch as the inevitable occurs.

Fast forward to the time when these two people have fallen in love, which, may I remind you, is very easy to do even with the “wrong” person. No longer is the relationship a casual one and the pair begin to look at spending a life together. Suddenly, those red flags that were so easily discounted rear their ugly heads. The parade toward the aisle comes to a halt. A difficult choice has to be made, and the options aren’t good. They are: move forward with marriage recognizing that there will be tough times ahead, get into counseling (if the person with the flags is agreeable) and pray that the red flag can be remedied, or end the relationship and face the inevitable heartache that follows.

None of these is an ideal choice, and they all could have been avoided if the initial red flags had been taken seriously and a relationship avoided all together. “Playing the tape forward” is something I recommend to singles who come to me when they first notice one of these deal-breakers. Could you live with this issue for the rest of your life if it goes unchanged? If the honest answer is “no,” then the time to exit is immediately. Don’t risk getting any closer to what you should consider evil.

Today’s Bible verse sums up an ideal way to approach dating. Be wise about what is good and pursue that. Avoid those people, attitudes, and behaviors that aren’t, or you will find your innocence shattered and your dreams unfulfilled. Guard your heart, as the psalmist warns, for it is the wellspring of your life. Give people with red flags the respect they deserve. Pray for them. Encourage them. But don’t enter into a dating relationship with them. You’ll save yourself a bundle of trouble and pain later. Be willing to wait for a relationship that will be one you can truly celebrate rather than one that struggles along.

And if you are already mired in a relationship that is marked by drama, arguments, and one problem after another, perhaps you need to rewind the tape and see where you made the choice to overlook what are now clearly some big red flags. Repent of that choice, ask God for help, and make some changes that will protect your heart.

2/5/09

In the Mean Time

Waiting patiently…for a single adult who is hoping to find a mate, waiting patiently can feel a bit like watching for a pot water to boil. We’re ready, so why is it taking so long? We pray and try to be patient, then fall into the trap of cajoling and even bargaining with God. Certainly there must be something we can do to make our dreams come true!

At least when we watch a pot of water, we can see some progress, as slow as it might be. We observe little bubbles forming on the bottom of the pan, then they grow, and eventually break off and flood to the top. While God might be preparing a mate for us, we probably won’t see any signs to encourage us that one is on the way. Waiting for an invisible mate requires incredible patience if we’re not going to make ourselves crazy by trying to control the process. What can be done to maintain one’s sanity in the mean time?

May I suggest that we pay attention to the pot adage…a watched pot never boils! If you spend your time and energy looking around every corner for that someone special, you will probably never find the right person. Here’s one reason why: a person who is on the hunt tends to drive others away. If you constantly have your radar set to “looking for mate,” those of the opposite sex will pick up on it immediately. That smacks a little bit of the desperate “D” I wrote about a few months ago. Not a great way to attract a healthy mate.

Here’s another reason why: Mate hunters tend not to be very interesting people. They spend too much time trying to contort themselves into what they think a “person of interest” will find attractive rather than developing their own interests.

Want the water to boil? Look away! Focus your interests on other things. Learn a new skill, go on a mission trip, join a new group (not with the intent of finding a spouse!), spend time developing your faith, volunteer with a children’s class. Will the time go by faster? No, it still will take the same amount of time for the water to boil. But the time certainly will seem to go by faster when we aren’t held captive by what we don’t have.

May we let God be in charge of the process of bringing a mate into our lives. May we make the most of the time he has given us to use while we are single. May we take our eyes off the pot and turn them toward Him and what he has called us to do. May we wait with patience and not waste our “in the mean time.”

1/29/09

We were hit with another snow storm this week that brought the busy-ness of my world to a halt. What better way for me to see what is of real importance in my life? The appointments that had to be canceled, the work that got put off…all things I thought “had to happen” became minor when deluged with snow and ice.

My world didn’t fall apart because my scheduled plans didn’t happen. Instead, I enjoyed the forced rest. Staying safe, keeping warm and putting good food on the dinner table moved way up on my priority list. Time with my sons making homemade pretzels and watching movies gave us invaluable down time and delightful memories.

I wonder how this storm fits into God’s plan for my life. Is it possible that from time to time he simply wants to tell me to stop? Or at least to slow down? Would he allow a foot of snow to fall in order to shake me up a bit? Or just to give me a much needed rest? Was this his way to show me that I push myself too hard, or that I place too much importance on minor details? Or that I don’t have as much control as I’d like?

Occurrences like this cause me to ponder, how personal is my God? Would he send a storm just for me? How woven together are his plans for me and his plans for others? Certainly I am not the only child of his who needed a day at home, but it felt to me like God was orchestrating the world’s weather patterns for my benefit. This has to be one of the most unfathomable of God’s abilities…that he can order an entire world in a way that meets each of our personal needs.

God didn’t just set the world in motion at creation and then step back. He is intimately involved with the passing of each day. He responds to us as we respond to him. He controls the wind and the waves…and the snow storms. We can take great comfort in his love and care for us. And when the storms of life come, we can be assured that setting aside our plan A is all part of his bigger and better plan A.

1/22/09

You Aren't

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I have recently been trained to use a premarital assessment program called Prepare/Enrich. This is one of the best tools I have seen to help couples identify their strengths and “growth areas” as they reflect on whether or not to marry. I only wish there was another type of assessment available for singles – one to show them whether or not they are even ready to date.

There is the common assumption in our society that if you are single you should be dating if you want to find a mate. I see this assumption causing tremendous pain for singles who allow themselves to enter the dating arena when they aren’t what I would call “relationship ready.” They haven’t recognized that in the same way a couple prepares for marriage, a single person must be prepared for dating. Shortcutting the preparation process often leads to a string of failed relationships and more doubt and confusion about one’s own worth/attractiveness/ability to find a mate.

For someone who is relationship ready, an “RR”, the dating/break-up scene is perilous but one that can be managed fairly well. However, for the not-relationship-ready person, “not-RR”, dating itself can provide initial boosts in self-confidence, but the relationship will be rocky and the endings almost intolerable. The fallout can be incredibly painful, because a not-RR isn’t prepared to handle either the relationship or the loss.

The ability to recognize oneself as a not-RR person is pretty tough, so I will provide you with a list below that you might find helpful. Much like a horrific skiing accident, life experiences can leave us deeply wounded. These wounds need to be tended to and allowed to heal before getting back on the ski slopes. This is not to say that if a situation on the list applies to you that you aren’t a wonderful person! We all go through times when we need to focus on healing and preparing, rather than dating.

If you are a RR person, it would be to your advantage to avoid dating a not-RR person as you will be asking for a boatload of trouble and heartache. The break-ups with a not-RR that I have seen (and experienced as an RR and a not-RR!) are confusing at best and devastating at worst. Use the list below to choose wisely as you navigate your dating choices.

Not-RR:

Divorced less than two plus years according to the rule of thumb: 1 year of healing from the time of divorce is needed for every three years of marriage
Recent dating break-up – a serious loss may require a year or more of healing
Recent other loss – friend, death in the family, job loss, etc.
Addictions
Spiritual uncertainty
Severe family crises
Mental/Emotional problems
Major unaddressed family of origin issues

Here is the temptation: If you are not-RR, you may try to convince yourself that you are not like everyone else and that you are ready to date. Nothing on the above list will prevent you from dating. It will take a determination and God’s help to choose not to date if you are not-RR.

If you are an RR person, you may try to convince yourself that the not-RR person you are interested is healed enough for you to have a healthy relationship. BEWARE! An RR who dates a string of not-RR people can become so wounded by the experiences that they end up as a not-RR until they process what has happened.

Remember, in order to have a good relationship, both you and the other person must be prepared. Relationships require hard work that the not-RR usually can’t do. Do what you can to prepare yourself, and choose wisely when you do date. Pray and ask God for help in dealing with any issues facing you and for restraint when you meet an attractive not-RR person. Yes, you may have fewer dates, but they will be ones with far more potential.

And if you find yourself on the list, but you still think you are ready to date, hear this: you aren’t. Love yourself enough to take time to heal and grow. See it as a great investment in your future relationships.

1/15/09

Mindset

Our senior pastor, Dr. David Smith, has been preaching on Jeremiah 29:11 (our verse of the week) the past few sermons. It is one of my favorites. God has plans for me, good plans. I am encouraged every time I hear these words. And yet, it is quite easy to hear the words, be encouraged, and then go about life as if God had no plans (or maybe even bad plans) for me.

Have you found yourself in the same trap? We hear about God’s goodness, we believe it at the time we hear it, but then we walk out of the church and back into what can be a harsh world…and with no thought at all we doubt that any plan even exists for us. It’s as though we can believe God is good when our circumstances are good, but when they are bad, we forget all about His goodness.

Earlier today I was reading Psalm 13, one of the psalms where David is complaining about his circumstances. And yet, at the end, he says “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.” Here is a man facing reality head on –he feels abandoned by God, he is sorrowful, and he is about to be defeated by his enemies. And yet, he trusts God despite the circumstances and praises him for his blessings.

That’s quite a feat, to recognize the pain of our situation, and yet trust God and praise him despite the present circumstance. I believe that can only be done when we believe in the deepest part of our being that God has good plans for us. When we have the “mindset” of Christ, we can fully trust God’s goodness, even while experiencing extreme pain. (The thought of Christ on the cross, suffering, yet trusting his father in this way sends shivers down my spine.)

One of my favorite movies is “Life is Beautiful.” Before you run out to rent it, I’ll warn you that it is in Italian with English subtitles. Here is what I love about the movie: A father and son are taken off to a Nazi concentration camp, where somehow the father hides his son and convinces him that they are playing the world’s greatest game of hide and go seek. If they get enough points, they will win the game, with a wonderful prize ensuing. The little boy leads a happy life “playing the game” while in the most vile of conditions. His mindset determines his happiness, not his circumstances. He trusts what his father tells him and acts accordingly.

I want to be like that little boy, who knows how much his father loves him and therefore wholly trusts what he says. I want to acknowledge the pain around me and yet still be excited about God’s bigger plan for my life. I want to praise him like David in the midst of my problems.

God, help me, help us all, to have faith in your word and your promises.

1/8/09

Set Apart

Because I’ve just been through training to work with couples preparing to marry, I’ve been reading numerous articles with titles like “Counseling Cohabitating Couples” and “Issues in Second Marriage Counseling.” While you might fall asleep over such topics, I find them quite interesting…I guess that explains my choice of profession. In particular I find “scientific” studies and surveys fascinating as I ponder the results. It’s easy to measure what people do, but much harder to understand why they do the things they do.

One survey I just read found that the majority of engaged couples where at least one of the partners has been married (including Christians) will be sexually active. My initial feeling was one of disappointment – I’d like to think that Christian couples, due to the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, have more self-control than other couples. Given what these Christian couples are doing, I automatically asked myself, “Why?”

None of my opinions are scientific here, but I will share with you what I came up with based on my own experience and many conversations with singles. My first thought revolves around the idea that these couples include at least one person who has been married before. When one marries, the Biblical restrictions around sexual expression are removed. It’s as if an imaginary switch goes from “No” to “Yes, whenever I want.” Sex becomes an easy and enjoyable way to express love. When one becomes single again, the switch is still in the “on” position. Once a person has had years of complete freedom of sexual expression, it is extremely difficult to throw the switch back “off.”

Is that difficulty so great that Christian single can’t be successful maintaining sexual purity? The survey seems to suggest that most can’t. But please, don’t let the results lead you to presume that these singles are acting in their own best interest. Indeed, most of the singles who I talk to regret that they have been unable to exhibit the self-control that God asks of them in this area. They know they are hurting themselves, their partners, and their future marriages. God calls us to be set apart; so why aren’t more of us?

I think part of the problem with Christian singles is that they tend to date the way the rest of the world dates, and then end up with the same problems. I have met very few singles who are intentional about protecting themselves from falling into sexual temptation. Often, those who are newly single again are quite naïve as to how hard it is to cease what had once been an acceptable form of expressing love. They become sexually involved almost by habit before they recognize that they have violated a principle of their faith.

This past Tuesday night we learned about the twelve steps of bonding in relationships. For those who have been married, they’ve already been to the highest step – sex. Once back in the dating arena, it’s difficult to go back to step one; after all, we know what we’re missing! But those bonding steps are crucial to building strong and lasting relationships. Perhaps if we start with an eye on the future, toward avoiding a second divorce or nasty break-up rather than immediate gratification, we’ll come up in this area. Please join us next Tuesday as we learn more about why relationships fall apart and how they can be glued together to last. Let’s do what we can to be set apart, and to have hope for better relationships in the future.

1/1/09

Locusts

I just got off the phone with a newly single again woman. Two years of divorce proceedings and custody battles have left her worn out and financially strapped. During our conversation, as she recalled how difficult the last few years have been, her voice trembled with the hurt of lingering pain. However, when she got to the end of her story, she pointed out that her circumstances have pressed her into a much closer relationship with God. In the middle of her struggles, she has hope that her life will get better because of her strengthened faith.

After our conversation I reflected upon my own journey through divorce and recovery. It was an incredibly long, dark, and painful process. For years I thought I would never feel normal again, or have a life that was whole. A faithful prayer partner would repeat today’s verse to me, and pray that God would indeed restore the years that the locusts in my life had eaten. I was so comforted by the thought that God was not only capable enough to restore my life, but that he also was willing to do so!

My prayer at the time was that God would hurry up and make my life better in an instant. (Isn’t that what we always seem to ask…God make it better and make it better now?) But I can see the blessings that have come from a lengthy recovery. Change in my life didn’t come by God quickly removing my problems. Change came through trusting God as I trekked through the problems of loneliness, desperation, and questioning. Persevering as God walked with me through a lengthy time of healing has left me transformed in ways that never would have happened had he brought instant relief to my pain.

Let me share with you one of the ways God has restored my life. When my marriage fell apart, I was deeply hurt by friends who were judgmental and disappeared when I needed them most. Over the last ten years God has helped me forgive those who (unintentionally, I believe) hurt me, and also removed the pain of this loss. He has since given me surprise opportunities to reconnect with many of these old friends. One opportunity happened just this Christmas Eve, when an old friend visiting Fairhaven spotted me, sought me out, and gave me a big hug. We caught up on the past ten years as quickly as we could and made plans to get together for lunch. I’ll be honest with you; several years ago I might not have been able to reciprocate her hug. But now all I felt was joy at seeing her again. God restored my love for her. The pain is gone. I am in a new and better place in my life, changed by the pain I have been through but no longer bound by it. As a side note, God has also given me a whole new circle of friends! I not only have my new friends but also am getting my old ones back. Never did I think that would be part of God’s restoration plan for my life.

Like the woman I spoke to, perhaps you have also been struggling the past few years. Maybe you also lost a relationship…or a job…or a church home. Maybe you have a child who is rebelling and challenging you at every turn. Maybe you have a co-worker who is extremely difficult. I wish I could tell you that if you ask God he will take away your problems in the New Year. He might, but he also might let the locusts take a few more nibbles. What I can promise you is that we serve a God who is capable of restoring to you the things you have lost…relationships, money, time, your state of mind! Hold on to Him during those tough times, knowing He is with you and will take you to a better place. He can indeed restore the years that the locusts have eaten. Trust Him and know that He is at work in your life changing your ashes to beauty.

As God restores your life in 2009, write and let me know what He’s up to. Collectively, I’m sure we could fill a book with the stories of His goodness!

12/25/08

We're working hard this week to put the final touches on our NY's Eve dance party. Our dance coordinator has planned an elegant evening and many singles have offered their time to make this night special. In fact, over fifty singles will be serving as decorators, greeters, and beverage servers so that you can have a lovely celebration in a safe environment. We've hired a fabulous band and even have a surprise at midnight for you!

If you are debating whether or not to attend, let me address some common concerns. First, most singles will be coming on their own, not as part of a couple. You don't need a date to have a good time! There will be greeters to meet you as soon as you walk in the door, and once you're here, you'll be glad you came. Keep an open mind about making new friends.

Second, it doesn't matter what you wear, as long as you are comfortable. For the ladies, attire will range from semi-formal long dresses to nice pants with a holiday top. Guys tend to wear a suit, sport coat, or nice shirt and tie. But you'll also see an occasional pair of blue jeans in the crowd. Wear what makes you feel good.

Third, you don't have to dance or even like to dance. Many in the crowd come to socialize and enjoy the music and festive atmosphere. Get on your feet, walk around the tables, and get to know the other non-dancers in the room.

Fourth, an invitation to dance is not a proposal. Most participants simply want to have fun and get out on the dance floor. Consider saying yes whenever asked (or being bolder about asking). When you say "yes" to everyone, you come across as approachable and friendly to all anyone else watching and thinking about asking you. Look for people to ask who are ‘dancing in their seats"…that's an indication that they'd like to be out on the floor!

Fifth, you'll end up kicking yourself if you stay home and isolate. I've never heard anyone leave a dance saying they'd wished they'd stayed home, but I've heard plenty say they were glad they made the effort to come instead.

Ring in the New Year with us. Say good-bye to 2008 and hello to fun and new friends. We'll see you at the dance!

12/18/08

One week and counting…is your Christmas shopping done yet? It’s hard to imagine that the birth of one little baby is so widely celebrated and yet so often overlooked. Even as Christians we can get caught up in the presents, parties, and food that we shove the birth of Christ to the back of our minds.

At my house, traditions have taken on an importance of their own. Have we baked the Christmas cookies yet? Made the gingerbread houses? Rolled the buckeye candies? Which Christmas Eve service will we attend? Who will make the Christmas morning coffee cake? Have we read the advent calendar each day? What about sending the Christmas cards and letters? And by the way, Sweet Potato Pie and Green Bean casserole had better be part of the Christmas dinner menu!

My mind can hardly keep track of these traditions from one year to the next. Then adding to my brain chaos, I also have to find appropriate presents for two parents, four children and any significant others they or I happen to have in our lives at the time. December is becoming one big blur.

This morning I was listening to a Christian psychologist on the radio talking about how important it is for families to have traditions that bond them together year after year. A feeling of panic started to come over me. Was I doing a good enough job as a single parent in giving my kids these experiences? Had I slacked off too much as my older children became adults? I immediately went home and checked to be sure we had enough butter and powdered sugar to make cookies and buckeyes. Guilt can really make a person crazy.

It took some quiet time of reflection at my kitchen table (a place where I do a lot of deep thinking) to center my thoughts back on Christ. Jesus is not just central to the celebration, He is the celebration. I determined to keep our myriad of traditions in perspective. Then my son and I got out the advent calendar, and we had fun seeing how much of the Christmas story we could recite from memory. Tomorrow we’ll bake some cookies, but I plan to talk about Jesus with him as we roll out dough and cut out shapes. Now that’s one great tradition to keep.

If you’re having any of the same overwhelming thoughts of not having done enough this season, STOP. Listen to the angel who spoke to the shepherds. Fear not. The good news is here. He is for all people. He is great joy! Not the presents, not the decorations, not the spiral-sliced ham. Let go of the demands you have placed upon yourself and put your focus back on Him. Celebrate the birth of Him. Experience the joy of Him. Bring the reason back to the season, the precious birth of baby Jesus.

12/11/08

Read the verse of the day again (or for the first time…) Isn't God's love for us simply unfathomable? He doesn't demand that we achieve perfection, or go through certain levels of learning, or take certain classes, or just “clean up our act” before he offers us salvation. With no guarantee that we would accept his sacrifice and call him Lord, God gave his son for us while we were still broken, messed up, sinful individuals. There is no caveat of being “good enough” or “deserving” of His gift. In fact, Christ even died for the most horrendous of sinners.

Last week I discussed some differences between Christianity and the religions of the world. Today we see the first of more differences. Our God does not demand that we get ourselves cleaned up before we are able to become part of His family. In fact, he asks of us just the opposite! We are to come to Him humbly aware of our shortcomings and at a place of surrender, freely admitting our sinful nature and need for His forgiveness. A relationship with Him requires honesty about the ugliness of our hearts and our need for Christ as our Savior. Other religions ask their participants to get their lives in order and act better to be accepted. God asks us to quit acting and be real.

Another difference that comes to mind is in how we treat our enemies. Christ tells us to love our enemies and to pray for those who persecute us. (Luke 6:27-28) Compare that to other religions which teach followers to defeat their enemies.

A last difference to consider is that in other religions the goal is to move “upward” in status as one continues on his journey. As Christians, we are asked to do the opposite. We are to humble ourselves and serve others, not seek to be served. We get “higher” by going “lower.” (Luke 14:11)

Consider the above differences as you prepare for the holiday season. Have you come to God freely admitting your baggage and need for Him? Are you approaching your enemies (or even difficult family members) with love? Who are you serving…or simply, are you serving? How is your relationship with Christ being expressed to others? Does the world see the love of Christ in you? The greatest gift you can both receive and give this season is His love. Pass it on in glorious celebration of Christ's birth!

12/4/08

At Lights of Whipp this week we lit the giant fir tree in front of Fairhaven as a celebration of the birth of Christ. Even though my fingertips and little toes froze, it was still thrilling to watch the tree go from plain to glorious. While I hate the cold weather, I simply love this time of year when we are focused on the birth of Christ. Almost everyone we know in America celebrates the season of Christmas, but I wonder how many of them actually know Jesus.

At the heart of our faith is a relationship with Him, the one who came as a child to save the world from the penalty of their sins. Those who are unfamiliar with Christianity lump it in with the religions of the world. But Christianity is altogether different. Here are some of the ways that our faith is unique:

1. Other religious systems have either an uninterested, distant god or no god at all. We have a Father who is present with us, whose spirit dwells within us, and who desires to have an intimate relationship with us. We can go to Him with our problems and tell him about our needs. He wants us to come to Him with and ask for help. Did you know that Muslims do not ask their god, Allah, for anything? God, our daddy, longs for us to “crawl up in his lap” and enter into a relationship with Him. He cares!

2. Other religions have teachers and/or guides, but they do not depend on these leaders. Even without a leader, the systems of these religions would remain in place. For example, Buddha is not needed for one to be a Buddhist. Without him, one could still follow the tenets of the religion. L. Ron Hubbard is long gone, but the religion of scientology is not dependent upon him, just on his principles. We, however, do not have just a leader or teacher. We have a Lord and Savior. Christ does not direct us to salvation, provide rules to help us achieve salvation, or even give us salvation; he is our salvation. Without Jesus, our “religion” would cease to exist.

3. With other religions, men and women are asked to give up their lives for their god. At the extreme end, Muslims believe that to die for Allah is an honor that will bring additional benefits in the afterlife. In contrast, we have a God who was willing to die for us, to take our place of suffering. He came to give us life, in abundance, and for eternity. We have life because He freely gave up His own for us.

Next week I’ll cover a few other differences that should be cause for celebration in your life this season. As you are decorating your homes and attending festive parties this week, think about why we rejoice. We have a relationship, not just a religion. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift, His precious son, our Savior and Lord!

11/27/08

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! I pray this day finds you with friends or family, celebrating all that you have to be thankful for. If you haven’t done so lately, take a moment to make a list of the many blessings in your life. An attitude of gratitude will make the upcoming holidays more enjoyable, so praise God for what He has already given you and let your joy overflow to others.

In keeping with my previous emails, this week we’ll go ahead and examine the last four of twelve tests that you can apply to determine whether or not you are in love or simply infatuated. Thanks again to Chip Ingram, www.lote.org, for his thoughts and ideas in this area.

9. Test of Physical Attraction and Involvement – While a relationship often begins with physical attraction, deeper relating happens by connecting with a person’s “insides.” For a couple in love, then, physical attraction plays a smaller role as they learn about and become more attracted to underlying character qualities in each other. Infatuated couples spend a larger part of their time together involved in physical expressions of attraction, and these are more for pleasure than to show deeply held feelings.

10. Test of Affection – With infatuation, affection comes early. A newly dating couple may walk around everywhere holding hands. However, as with physical involvement, this early “affection” is more about the thrill and excitement over the possibilities of the new relationship than the reality of the relationship itself. The euphoria that comes with a simple touch is related to the hormonal response we discussed in earlier emails. It may give the new couple a sense of security to be joined at the hip, but it is a false one. In love, true affection comes later in the relationship and is an expression of deep feelings that have grown over time. Holding hands means “I love you” not “I want everyone to see that I have someone” or “It just feels so good to be next to you!”

11. Test of Stability – Because love grows slowly, over a period of time, and is based on reality, it tends to be much more stable than infatuation. A couple in love may experience some hardships, but their relationship is steady through these times. An infatuated couple, without the benefit of a solidly built relationship, may find their relationship suddenly over. A cold dose of reality may shock one or the other out of their drugged state. Or perhaps a traumatic event occurs and the couple finds they haven’t yet developed the emotional resources to cope with it. Simply put, love is enduring, infatuation can be fleeting.

12. Test of Delayed Gratification – An infatuated couple wants it all and wants it all now. A couple in love has enough security and stability in their relationship to wait to get their needs met. An infatuated couple may be in a hurry to get married. Any delay, e.g. to get counseling for a past divorce or for children who will be brought into the marriage, feels intolerable, as if they are being deprived. A couple in love, however, will postpone marriage a reasonable time, and will do everything they can to prepare for their future marriage. Delays for preparation are acceptable. They can also wait to have sex, knowing that waiting means better sex after marriage. (Yes, studies show this to be true!)

Use these tests to evaluate where you are in any dating relationship. Are you in love or simply infatuated? Infatuation is unavoidable. In any new relationship, you will go through a period of time unable to think clearly. You may even think you are in love. If you apply these tests, you will have a much better idea whether you should just enjoy the fun and excitement of infatuation or if you are building a solid love relationship. Talking about these tests with your partner will also give you a better assessment of where your relationship stands. Guard your heart, and don’t give it away to infatuation. Wait it out and give love time to grow.

11/20/08

Last week I presented the first four of twelve tests that you can apply to determine whether or not you are in love or simply infatuated. They were the tests of time, knowledge, focus and singularity. Today we’ll look at the next four tests, again based on material by Chip Ingram, www.lote.org.

5. Test of Security – Without the benefit of time and knowledge, trust in the infatuation phase is simply blind trust. Any minor disturbance can cause feelings of jealousy and insecurity to erupt. The safety and security that come with love, however, are from trust that has developed over time and is based in reality.

6. Test of Work – A person who is infatuated usually becomes a somewhat lazy person where work is concerned. He may spend time daydreaming at his desk or even leave work early in order to be with his object of desire. She may devote part of her workday to composing cute emails to him rather than working. Ambition and sometimes even appetite fall by the wayside as the infatuated person is in pursuit. A person who is in love, however, will not only work but also may be motivated to work even harder in order to make the couple’s dreams come true. Work isn’t seen as a hindrance to the relationship but rather something that needs to be done in order to support it.

7. Test of Problem Solving – Here again, the infatuated couple is would rather not “work” to solve any problems in the relationship. Because problems are a threat to the new relationship and the “high” that come with it, a couple will deny, minimize, overlook, or gloss over them, usually with the hope that in time the problems will disappear all together. A couple in love, however, faces reality head on and makes an effort to solve their problems rather than cover them up.

8. Test of Distance – Infatuation wanes when a couple is separated by distance. Doubts may arise as separation allows the sparks to die down. Without the physical presence needed to achieve the drugged state, an infatuated person has a chance to think more clearly and base their choices on reality rather than emotion. This is a good reason not to see someone too often when you begin dating. Give yourself a week or so in between dates so that you won’t get prematurely “drugged” before you have had a good look at reality. Needless to say, love withstands the test of distance.

Too many singles, especially those who are new to dating, confuse the powerful emotion of infatuation with love and make life altering decisions (having sex, getting engaged, etc.) while they are in this drug-induced state. When you learn the difference between love and infatuation, you will know when you’re on drugs. Then, if you’re smart, you will simply enjoy the natural high and wait for it to wear off before making any important decisions, rather than being fooled into believing you’re “in love.” Next week we’ll examine the last 8 tests of love and infatuation.

11/13/08

Last week I promised to share with you some of the ways to tell the difference between love and infatuation. For those of you who attended the Dating 101 seminar, this will be a timely review.

Infatuation “feels” like love due to the body’s chemical release of endorphins. That’s why my nickname for the infatuation phase of a relationship is the “on-drugs” phase. Few of us would advocate making important decisions while taking drugs, but if we don’t know we’re under the influence of infatuation drugs, we might make that mistake. Too many singles, especially those who are new to dating, confuse the powerful emotion of infatuation with love and make life altering decisions (having sex, getting engaged, etc.) while they are in this drug-induced state.

When you learn the difference between love and infatuation, you will know when you’re on drugs. Then, if you’re smart, you will simply enjoy the natural high and wait for it to wear off before making any important decisions, rather than being fooled into believing you’re “in love.”

So let’s review the tests that you can apply to know whether you are in love or simply infatuated. There are twelve in all; I’ll cover the first four this week. Thanks to Chip Ingram, www.lote.org, for these helpful tests.

1. Test of Time – Infatuation comes on suddenly and can end just as quickly. Infatuation can kick in after just one date, especially if there is any touching involved. Studies show that it can take anywhere from 9 to 18 months for the chemical response of infatuation to subside, which is why many professionals recommend dating at least a year before getting engaged. Love grows slowly over a period of time. The passage of time alone is not enough, however, for love to grow. Love grows over time, partly because of its ties to the second test, the test of knowledge.

2. Test of Knowledge – When we meet someone who initially meets our “criteria” for a significant other, we have a tendency to “fill in the blanks” of the infinite unknown aspects with what we want. Thus, in our mind, we create an idealized version of the real person. Infatuation is based upon this fantasy. Love is based on a significant amount of knowledge about the other person; no wishful thinking involved. Love takes into consideration flaws and shortcomings and is based on reality; the blanks are filled in with truth, not fiction. There is no substitute for either time or knowledge. Without a significant period of time, one simply cannot gather enough knowledge to be in love with the real person, not the idealized one of infatuation.

3. Test of Focus – Love is other-person centered; Infatuation centers on the self. The conversation in the mind of the infatuated person goes something like, “Will he like me? What will he think of what I am wearing? He makes me feel so wonderful!” Infatuation is all about me. In contrast, someone in love might think, “What can I do to serve her tonight after she’s had such a tough day?” The focus is on the other person.

4. Test of Singularity – Love is one-person centered while infatuation can be experienced with multiple people at the same time. The phrase “I love you but want to date her, too!” is an example of divided chemical attraction, not love.

Next week I’ll go over four more tests you can apply to know if you’re in love or just in the euphoric state of infatuation.

11/6/08

I’m old enough to have gone through the musical transition from records to 8-track tapes to cassette tapes to CDs; how about you? Do you recall the TV commercial for Memorex cassette tapes when they came out? The screen showed a delicate liquid-filled glass. Viewers heard only a shrill, operatic voice singing a very high note until (drum roll) the glass shattered. Then came the tag line, “Is it live…or is it Memorex?” The point, of course, was the Memorex tape recorded so well it was almost impossible to tell the difference between the recording and the real thing.

The past few days, as I finished final preparations for this weekend’s seminar on dating, this silly commercial kept coming to mind. But the question became reframed in my mind to, “Is it love…or infatuation?” One of the topics we’ll cover at the seminar is this very question. How can you tell the difference? With your heart on the line, the answer is an important one. Infatuation, the imposter, feels like love. Without a clear understanding of the difference, we can be easily fooled. Our hearts, like the glass, can end up shattered when we make a lifetime commitment based on what we think is real deal only to discover later that we’ve confused love and infatuation.

Be afraid, be very afraid, of making this incredibly common mistake. Then do something about your fear and become informed. Do you know how bank tellers are trained to spot a counterfeit bill? They spend hours looking at real ones. This helps them notice differences when a fake comes by. In the same sense, if you spend enough time studying love, you’ll know infatuation when you feel it.

At the seminar, I’ll give you some tests to apply so you can more easily identify love and won’t risk your future on anything less. For you who can’t come, don’t worry. I’ll give a replay of the tests in my upcoming emails.

10/30/08

November 1 is my 11th anniversary of recovery from codependency. As I was shuffling through my old recovery workbook the other day, I happened upon the following article that I had written about five years into my healing process. Since I am battling a nasty cold today and my thoughts are muddled, I thought I’d share with you what I wrote in hopes that those of you who struggle with rescuing, caretaking, or other codependent behaviors might benefit. Enjoy!

No Victims, Only Volunteers
One of the startling revelations in recovering from codependency was the realization that much of my misery was self-inflicted. I had been a suffering martyr for so long that I was no longer cognizant of the power I possessed to make the choices and changes that would improve the circumstances of my life. I felt trapped and was desperately trying to make my life better by enticing someone else to do the changing. At the height of my disease, I had completely lost the ability to make decisions that were good for me, and my time and attention were focused on being “good enough” to win the attention and approval of the person whose love I so desperately sought. I thought if I could make him happy, then he would be able to make me happy, and then in turn, we would be happy. Due to this magical thinking I forfeited having my own needs met in favor of meeting his needs. I saw myself as the world’s finest caretaker, but deep down I seethed with anger at how unappreciated and fruitless my efforts were. Poor little me.

I see now that I volunteered for much of my victimization. I chose to be silent when I was hurt. I chose to take care of others first instead of myself. I chose to stop dreaming my own dreams. I chose to seek happiness through making others happy. My codependency was an insidious disease that crept in slowly but soon became an overblown presence in my life. And, strangely enough, the whole time that I was feeling sorry for myself for being a victim of such “tragic circumstances,” I was getting a lot of good feelings by continuing to volunteer for the part! I thought I was Wonder Woman, able to quickly solve others problems and make their lives easier whether or not they even asked for help.

Now I know it’s my responsibility to take care of myself, and to let others take responsibility for their own lives. It isn’t my job to make others happy, and it’s not their job to make me happy. It’s my job to find my own happiness. Now I make myself a priority form time to time. It’s called good self-care. Being good to myself means taking time for relationships that nourish my soul. It means spending time with God in prayer and meditation. It means taking time to worship. It means defending my boundaries and standing up for myself. It means asking for what I need from others, and even sometimes asking for what I don’t need but just want. It also means working the program each day and maintaining contact with my sponsor.

I still volunteer, but not to be a victim. I volunteer each day to let God do with me as He wills, to live my life the way He desires, and to be a light to those who need to find the way out of the darkness of codependency.

10/23/08

Loving Yourself

Last week I posed a couple of questions. The first was, “What would you say to a friend who was about to board an airplane flight that had a 75% chance of crashing?” And the second was, “What would you say to a divorced friend who announced they were getting married again…and facing a 75% probability of a second divorce?”

Most of us find the first question far easier to answer. If unable to talk our friend out of taking the trip, we’d encourage him to do everything he could to ensure he would survive a crash. But I think most of us would argue pretty strongly against taking the flight at all, maybe going so far as to help find another flight with a better rate of completion.

So why do we choke up when a friend announces they are going to “take the plunge” and get married for a second time, especially when the second marriage closely follows a divorce or a short dating period? Why are words that reflect the reality, the gravity of the situation, so hard to find? Why do we join the choruses of “Congratulations!” rather than saying, “That flight has a high risk of crashing…how about taking your time and doing what you can to increase the chances that you’ll make it this time?”

A few years ago I was about to take one of those “high-risk” flights. Having been friends with my fiancé for several years before we began dating, I justified getting engaged after dating for only six months. Statistically we faced an 80% chance of divorcing given our particular situation; he had been divorced only two years and we both had children still at home. Two friends cared enough about me to bravely suggest that I might want to slow down. Their words coupled with the bad odds and good pre-marital counseling helped me see that indeed this was a flight I needed to pass on. And I was so grateful that those two friends shared their wisdom with me when I was too caught up with feeling in love to think straight.

Later I wondered why my other friends had cowardly kept to themselves what was so plainly clear. Why didn’t they warn me about the visibly leaking gas tank, and the wobbly wings of my flight? It was then that I learned the incredible value of friends who aren’t afraid to be honest. Today’s Bible verse reflects that quality of true friends…at times they will say things that may hurt, but far better they speak the truth in love than give you a kiss of death. Congratulations, indeed!

So back to our second question, what would you say to a friend who rushing to the altar while seemingly unaware of the dangers that lie ahead? Here is a suggested response based on what worked with me:

“I know how much you’re looking forward to being together with your true love. But I want you to know that I love you a lot, too, and don’t want to see you get hurt again. Would you be willing to delay your marriage and do some things in order to improve your odds of making it work? Second marriages are tough, especially if you both have a failed marriage in your past. For your sake, and for the kids, would you be willing to slow down a bit? You could both use some additional time to get counseling to be sure you’ve adequately recovered from your divorces. You could take some classes to work on issues you had in your past marriages. And taking more time will let the endorphins clear so you can be sure you are making a rational, not hormonal decision. I really care about you and your future, and I’m concerned you haven’t given this enough time, thought, and preparation.”

What response can you expect from your friend? Honestly, he probably won’t thank you. Your friend will most likely look you in the eye and tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about. He’ll claim that their love is somehow different, stronger, more pure, or more blessed by God thus making it unnecessary for them to take any more time. Don’t be surprised by his assurance that they have prayed about their decision and that God gave them the green light. Don’t get me wrong, prayer is a crucial ingredient in mate selection…but the ability to hear clearly from God can be easily distorted when one is in love. It’s not uncommon for a couple to think that they are unique in some way and that their love will be strong enough to keep their “flight” in the air. Unfortunately, the statistics don’t lie, and the majority of those determined couples will find down the road that that they are facing a second divorce.

At that point all you can do is smile, thank him for listening, and then continue to pray. This really could be the spouse God had planned, even if the timing may seem off a little. So pray that the marriage survives and come alongside as an encourager. Be a faithful friend, expecting the best but ready to assist if your friend chooses not to go forward with the wedding (or worse, marries and then crashes).

I’ve run out of room for today, so next week I’ll give you some tips to think about before you jump on the plane of a second marriage…or even a first, since their 50% crash rate is worrisome as well.

10/16/08

The Waiting Game

Last week I talked about what you might say to a friend who was rushing to the altar for a second time. For several years I’ve pondered the risks of second marriages, curiously wondering why so many divorced singles who failed at their first attempt rush into a second marriage even more quickly than their first. In the six years I’ve been leading a singles ministry, I’ve only seen a handful of couples who took their time approaching the altar a second time. Logically, this makes no sense, of course. Failure in other areas of our lives generally motivates us to train and prepare more carefully before making a second attempt. We analyze what went wrong, figure out how to improve, take a class if necessary, get a second opinion, and practice new skills before making another attempt. What’s the difference when it comes to considering marriage?

The answer: Desire. Romantic infatuation. Feelings of excitement. Emotions. The desire for a couple to be together can be so strong that they overlook, disregard, or deny the peril of making a lifetime commitment to someone they really don’t know very well. Been there, done that, and it didn’t turn out so well! Today’s Bible verse speaks of the danger of letting desire lead the way without adequate knowledge of where we’re going.

Here is what Dr. James Dobson says in his book, Emotions, Can You Trust Them? “How can one know when it (love) arrives? How can it be distinguished from temporary infatuation?…There is only one answer to those questions: it takes time. The best advice I can give a couple contemplating marriage is this: make no important, life-shaping decisions quickly or impulsively, and when in doubt, stall for time.”

Time. What many couples “in love” see as their adversary instead of their friend. Do you recall the old phrase, “Time will tell?” Allowing adequate “time to tell” in a dating relationship can prevent later surprises. Make an agreement with yourself now, and ask your friends to hold you accountable, that you will allow any future relationship to experience the test of time before you rush to the altar. It has been estimated that the hormonal response to infatuation that clouds one’s thinking can last from 6 to 18 months! Making a lifetime commitment in that period of time means gambling with your future. Wait. Let the cloud settle. Give it time.

What do professionals suggest as an adequate amount of time for a second marriage? Here is what the DivorceCare curriculum suggests: For every three years of marriage, you should take one year to recover in preparation for a new relationship. For me, that meant six years, a figure I initially balked at. But now that it has been nine years since my divorce, I can say that I truly needed all six years and then some. The professionals actually knew what they were talking about! Trust those who know and give yourself time.

Off the top of my head, here are some of the statistics you might be curious to know: Overall divorce rate for second marriages, 60%. Rate for a second marriage within two years of a divorce, 80%. Rate when one mate brings children into the new home, 70%; when both bring kids into the home, 80%.

Let these statistics scare you! Don’t assume you will automatically be in the small group that succeeds simply because you are Christians…they divorce at the same rate as non-Christians.

Taking time before entering a second marriage is crucial. Give yourselves the best chance as beating the odds. Don’t assume you are special, different, or somehow know better than the professionals. Reread today’s verse and let the wisdom of it sink into your heart.

10/9/08

A Tough Question

10/2/08

Imagine this…you’re about to board an overseas flight when the man at the ticket counter makes the following announcement, “Attention Passengers. Before boarding this aircraft, we feel obligated to tell you that this flight has a 75% crash rate. In other words, we only make it to our final destination one time out of every four flights that leave this airport. The circumstances of the crashes vary: we have hit mountain tops, fallen into the ocean, crash landed on deserted islands, missed the runway, exploded mid-air, and tumbled out of the air because we ran out of gas. A few flights have gone missing altogether and we have no idea what happened to them. Those few flights that did make it to the final destination have been rather rocky. So good luck and thanks for choosing to fly with us. It’s time to pre-board families traveling with small children and those needing assistance. Please lineup according to your row numbers…”

I don’t know about you, but I’d be running for the nearest exit. A 75% failure rate doesn’t exactly boost one’s confidence. But what if a loved one was waiting for you at the final destination? Perhaps the “love of your life” who you’d determined was your soul-mate? The motivation to take that flight would be pretty strong, but chances are with those odds you’d still pass.

Now let’s say your friend shows up at the gate ready to board that same flight. You inform him of the crash rate and advise him not to get on the plane. He replies, “The odds don’t matter. I know I’m supposed to be with the person waiting for me at the other end. I’ve prayed about it. We’re supposed to be together, so I’m getting on that flight and I’m getting on now!”

How would you reply? My response would be something along these lines: “I know how much you’re looking forward to being together with your true love. But, would you be willing to delay your flight in order to improve your odds of surviving a crash? Rather than jumping on this plane in haste, what if we did some checking and preparation to help prepare you for what will inevitably be a very dangerous flight at a later date? We could investigate who was piloting the plane, check to be sure the gas tanks had been filled, and look over the maintenance logs. We could train you in assuming the crash position, donning an oxygen mask, using the flotation device, giving CPR or first aid, and exiting through the emergency exits and down the inflated slides. We could pack a survival bag for you, filled with water, food and other gear you might need. We could put you through some physical and spiritual training that would make you more likely to survive a crash.” Hopefully, your friend would be rational enough to take you up on your offer.

Let’s change the scenario a bit…your friend, rather than preparing to board a plane with a 75% failure rate, announces that he or she is going to get married for the second time. Now what do you say? The failure rate is similar…at risk is your friend’s heart and those of his fiancée and any children involved. Your friend will likely make the same pronouncements, “The odds don’t matter. I know I’m supposed to be with the person waiting for me at the other end. I’ve prayed about it. We’re supposed to be together, so I’m getting on that flight and I’m getting on now!” Hmmm…

Next week I’ll go over what you might say to a friend, but more importantly how you can avoid being the person who jumps on the plane without adequately doing what you can to swing the odds in your favor.

9/25/08

This past weekend I had the opportunity, albeit a painful one, to run in my first 10K race. Participating in a race with a few thousand individuals was quite a different experience than running alone. It was fun! During my hour long trek with the masses around Wright Patterson Air Force base, I reflected on why it was so much more enjoyable to run in a race than it was to run around my neighborhood. Later, when I was home with my feet up I applied my thoughts to the “Christian” race God has called me to run, and why he calls me to run it with others, not alone. Here’s what I learned about both kinds of races:

1. It’s easier to run in the pack. The pre-race excitement was palpable as we stood in the morning chill waiting to run across the balloon covered starting line. Then, the pack began to move and we slowly trudged up our first hill. I’m a lousy hill runner, and I began grumbling to myself. But near the bottom of the first rise I spied a gray-haired, older man a short distance ahead of me. His pace seemed steady and he was wearing a shirt with a yellow-stripe up the back that I could easily spot in the crowd. I decided to follow him up that hill. After all, if he could do it, so could I! Thanks to that man, I had the determination not to give up when we’d just barely started. He doesn’t even know that he inspired me; he simply ran his race, and because he went ahead of me, I didn’t quit. The same is true with my Christian journey; it is easier to run up the hills when others lead the way.

2. Others will pass you and you’ll pass others. When we successfully reached the top of the hill (i.e., without stopping to walk), we ran through a refreshment station, and then surprisingly I moved on ahead of my yellow-striped friend. It was my turn to be in the lead, so to speak. He was better at hills, I apparently was better at flat terrain. However, there were many other runners who passed me along the way, and a few who I passed. Sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow. As Christians, even though we run together, we still run our own race. Sometimes faster than others and sometimes slower, but all moving toward the same finish line.

3. Staying on the path is essential, and others can keep you there. At a crucial dividing point in the race, where the half-marathoners (the real nuts) broke from the rest of us, a sign pointed us in one direction but the security person was yelling out opposite directions. Thank goodness the runners around me knew the way we were to go, and yelled out to correct me and the confused guide. In my Christian race, the enemy has undoubtedly tried to get me to go the wrong way. Thankfully, God has given me his word as a path, and good friends to help steer me in the right direction.

4. Focusing on the reward keeps you going. The night before at our pre-race dinner, we’d heard an inspiring marathon runner talk about what motivates him during the race. He also happens to be blind, and runs with a partner connected to him with a white shoestring. After the first mile or so he said he simply thinks about all the great food awaiting him at the end of the race and he’s inspired to go on. Having never run in a big race, I had no idea what he was talking about, but when the race got tough, I thought of his comment and decided if the food at the end was good enough to push him through a marathon, surely it was worth running a little 10K! With thoughts of a lavish feast in mind, I pressed on. Turns out it wasn’t quite the banquet I’d anticipated (I think that captain is far too easily motivated) but the Panera bagels tasted pretty darn delicious. We can be sure our heavenly rewards won’t disappoint us, and the mere thought of them, on some tough days, is just what I need to keep me going.

5. Everyone celebrates together in the end, no matter your finishing place. When I crossed the finish line, I was surprised to have my hand shaken by a military official who then placed a large medal around my neck. I was directed to the photo station where my post-race glamour was captured for posterity. Then I headed to the food court where finishers mingled about with happy grins on their faces (OK, maybe a few had grimaces, but for the most part, it was a jolly-good party). No one broke into cliques of star athletes and novices like me. We all simply celebrated our finishes together. At that point, it didn’t matter what anyone placed. The race was done; it was time to party! Don’t you think it will be like that in heaven? Admittedly, some will have greater rewards than others, but I can’t imagine the differences will be anything that divides us. I’m looking forward to celebrating the finish with all of our “team mates.”

6. In the end the pain is over. A few minutes after the race, I was feeling so much better that I began to wonder if perhaps I hadn’t pushed myself hard enough. The pain was gone. I felt good. But a short time earlier I had been feeling pretty poor; my legs were leaded, my lungs burned. Our Christian journey is like the race. We get hurt. Life is painful. It’s hard. At times we want to give up. But the pain will end. One day we’ll look back and remember that we were once in pain. Isn’t it good to know, that at the end of the race, we’ll be pain-free for eternity?

My 10K race was an enlightening one that has caused me to look at my spiritual race in new ways. I’m ready to press on with both, and plan to run a shorter 5K in a few weeks. Any takers? Just drop me a line and I’ll forward you the info!

9/18/08

Today’s Bible verse is one of my favorites. When life gets too busy, when I feel like I am being torn in too many directions, when it seems like God is getting squeezed out, that’s when I force myself to just “be still”. And when I do that, when I set aside the distractions and clear my mind of the persistently calling lists of things to do, the peace of God returns to me and I find myself centered once again on Him. Remembering that He is in control in the midst of chaos brings me great relief. But that relief never comes until I take the time to simply be still.

This week the power outages assisted me in being still, but they were preceded by a whole lot of noise and clamor. The winds blew so violently that I found myself running to the window to see what was happening outside and then retreating for cover in case a tree limb came flying my direction through that same window.

“God, protect us,” I cried out over and over.

And then it ended. The sudden stillness was so abrupt! The lights were out, the television was quiet, and the wind ceased. Even though we were only without power for a day, it was an eerie experience. No computers, tv, wii, or guitar hero to amuse or annoy us. There we were with ourselves. In a quiet house. Alone.

Rather than being a nuisance, however, I found the power outage marvelously refreshing. I couldn’t recall the last time our home had been so peaceful. Usually the radio plays in the kitchen, computer games sound off in the family room, and the TV puts me to bed each night. I had become so accustomed to the “background music” of our home that I didn’t realize how the constant noise kept us away from a place of stillness. That first evening with the candles lit in the quiet house reminded me again how important it is for us to simply be still and know that He is God…I thanked him for his marvelous protection and then basked in his quiet presence.

How often our lives mimic this same series of events. Without much warning we can find ourselves in the midst of a storm, with uncontrollable circumstances all around us. We’re ducking from flying objects (or accusations) and trying our best to maintain a level head while chaos ensues. Sometimes our lives are filled with noise that we choose with good intention but that is actually robbing us of needed quiet time. While God is there in the midst of those storms, we are often too distracted to connect with Him. Only after the storm subsides do we realize that we could have had peace during the storm if we had only taken the time to be still.

I pray that all of you, in the midst of whatever storms you may be in, will take the time now to be still and know that He is God. Don’t wait until the storm has passed to tap into his peace. Find a quiet place of refuge, whether in your basement or on a park bench, and just be with God. Be still. Know. He is God.

9/11/08

9/11, today’s date, is one that can generate fear as we recall the terrorist attacks on our country seven years ago. For me, the date brings additional feelings for two reasons. First, when the terrorist attacks occurred, my four children were home alone while I was I the basement of the Greene County courthouse fighting another custody battle. I’ll never forget driving home and hearing the news of the attacks on the radio. I felt angry that I wasn’t home to reassure my children, and also overwhelmed as if the enemy was coming against me from all directions! And second, today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary if not for my divorce nine years ago. The date always brings a twinge of sadness at not having made it that far, but also shades of relief.

It’s easy to get caught up in fears of what might be, in sadness over what might have been, or in anger at what really was, isn’t it? Does today’s date strike a chord of emotion with you? Perhaps we need to recall Paul’s words to the Colossians from today’s Bible verses. As believers, we have already died with Christ…and our mindset should be on heavenly things. We may think about 9/11, but with a heavenly mindset, fear fades into the recesses. Anger over attacks diminishes when we recall that God is still in control. Sadness turns to joy as we focus on the future blessings of God’s heavenly kingdom.

Today, may we thank God for the men and women who continue to make daily sacrifices for our freedom. And may we take comfort that we are hidden with Christ in God, which is the safest and most secure place to be.

9/4/08

Squaring Up

We’ve been exploring Neil Clark Warren’s suggestion from his book How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less, that singles make up two lists that will help guide them through the dating process and limit the amount of time spent investing in a poor match. The first list is the top ten characteristics a person feels he/she must have in a mate. The second list is the top ten qualities that a person knows he/she absolutely can’t stand in a date/mate. By requiring that a date meet the “specifications” on your lists within the first few dates, you will optimize your dating time.

Today I’d like to challenge you to take a look at yourself in light of what others may have on their lists. It’s all too easy to make up own our lists looking for a knight in shining armor or a beautiful princess. While there is nothing wrong with having high standards, you must stop and ask yourself if you are being realistic based on who you are. Ask yourself, “What would a person who meets my criteria be likely to have on his or her lists? Do I meet those requirements?” For example, if you are looking for a person who is physically fit, chances are good that he/she will also be looking for someone who is fit. Are you? Or perhaps you are looking for a deeply spiritual person. Have you considered that this person would probably seek someone with like passion? Do you have it?

Do you posses any traits that are likely to be on anyone’s “can’t stand list? Look at last week’s email to find what the most common deal-breakers are. If you struggle with any of them, get help for yourself before you enter the dating arena.

If you can’t be objective, a gentle friend may help you asses your chances of attracting the kind of person your lists describe. Show him your lists and ask if you’re likely to show up on your desired match’s “must have” list or “can’t stand list”. If you are missing some likely “must have” traits, your ideal match might not even consider you. If your friend points out any of your issues that are likely to show up on a “can’t stand” list, you will probably be repeatedly rejected unless you make some changes.

If you find that you may have some issues your “ideal match” might not find so attractive, you have two options. First, you could modify your “must have” and “can’t stand” lists to more accurately reflect reality. If you are carrying a few extra pounds, dropping “slender” from your “must have” list will probably increase your odds of finding a match. Drop any unrealistic traits from your lists and your chances will multiply. Are you sure you must have each listed trait?

The second option, I believe, is a far better one. That option is to keep your lists the same and to change yourself. Simply put, you need to become the right person to attract what you want. I’m not talking about a superficial kind of makeover, although some cosmetic changes might not be a bad idea. I mean making more drastic changes in order to obtain what you know you must have and avoid what you can’t stand. Start exercising to lose those extras pounds. Join a Bible study and grow in your faith. Give up sexual encounters with strangers and ask God to restore your purity. Join a support group to kick your addiction to cigarettes or alcohol. Take a class in budget management.

Obviously, there are some things about yourself you cannot change, such as height, eye color, intelligence, etc. But time and effort invested in changing what you can in order to become the “right person” will increase your odds of connecting with someone who also meets your criteria. An additional benefit is that you will probably find you like yourself better as you take control of your life and implement positive steps to care for and improve yourself.

8/28/08

The Second List

Today’s Bible verse encourages us to make the best use of our time. How does this apply to dating relationships? Have you ever spent an inordinate amount of time investing in what later turned out to be a mismatched relationship and thought, “What a waste of time!”? Neil Clark Warren, in his book How to Know If Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less , suggests that singles make up two lists that will help guide them through the dating process and limit the amount of time spent investing in a poor match. By requiring that a date meet the “specifications” on your lists within the first few dates, you will optimize your dating time.

Last week I talked about the first list, the top ten characteristics a person feels he/she must have in a mate. The second list is the top ten qualities that a person knows he/she absolutely can’t stand in a date/mate. Your choice of qualities will be influenced by your personality, your past, and your prior relationships; it may be highly specific. For example, if you were traumatized by a dog bite when you were a child, you may put “Owns a Dog” on your “can’t stand” list. Or perhaps your former spouse gambled away your life savings and you now are unwilling to risk a relationship with anyone who gambles.

Curious to know what others put on their lists? Here are the 25 most frequently chosen “can’t stands” according to Warren (remember, you may choose only ten!):

Lying
Cheating
Dominating
Financial Irresponsibility
Anger Mismanagement
Pornography
Excessive Drinking or Drug Use
Smoking
Gambling
Sexual Obsessiveness
Sloppiness
Laziness
Procrastination
Gossiping
Inappropriate Behavior
Penny Pinching
“Foul” Talk
Dependent on Others
Arrogance
Extreme Shyness
Differing Music Preferences
Spiritual Intolerance
“Political Correctness”
Reckless Driving
Fanaticism

Remember, as you put together your lists, you are saying, “These are things I absolutely could not live with day in and day out for the rest of my life.” These selections should be so critical as to spell the end of any dating relationship before it begins. Having a list like this and sticking to it can seem harsh. “Shouldn’t I give a person a chance to change?” you may ask. Yes, give her a chance to change, but wait for that change to happen before you date her! All of us have areas where we need to grow and develop, but your main requirements should remain unchanged. Good choices are based on reality, not what an imaginary future may hold.

Your “can’t stand” list is as valuable as your “must have” list. Use them both wisely as your guides, and stick with what you have selected in moments of clear thinking. A potential date who really wows you in an area or two may lead you to justify overlooking some items on your list…beware! The biggest temptation in dating is to move forward with a relationship based on a person’s potential to change rather than what he or she currently brings to the table. Your lists will help you invest your time wisely in people who are already a good match.

Now that you know what you’re looking for and what you can’t stand, keep your eyes open and pray for God to give you patience as you wait for him to bring a suitable match into your life. Don’t despair if this takes a while! One date with a person who has the qualities to become great companion and possible mate is far more valuable than a thousand dates with people who have no possibility of being a good match for you. Make the best use of your time by investing only in qualified candidates; and if need be, give a copy of your lists to a friend who can help you stick to them when you are tempted to vacillate.

8/21/08

The First List

Neil Clark Warren, in his book How to Know If Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less , suggests that singles make up two lists that will help guide them through the dating process. The first list is the top ten characteristics a person feels he/she must have in a mate. The second list is the top ten qualities that a person knows they absolutely can’t stand in a date. He recommends adhering to these lists without excuse, and only if a date “passes” within the first few dates should further dates be considered.

Last week I discussed the importance of having these lists, and the potential consequences of dating without really knowing what you’re looking for. Today, let’s look at what you might consider putting on your “Top Ten Must Have” list. Here are the 25 most popular “must-haves” according to Warren (remember, you may choose only ten!):

Emotional Health
Strong Character
Energy Level
Intelligence
Chemistry
Financial Security
Verbal Intimacy
Conflict-resolution skills
Personal Habits
Spirituality
Shared Interests
Similar Political and Social Views
Interest in Parenting and Apparent Ability to Do It Well
Personality
Values
Skills
Ambition
Age
Race
Religious Affiliation
Education
Sexual History
Height and Body Shape
Facial Features Clothes Style

As you look over this list, certainly a few will pop out as contenders for the top of your list. However, by limiting your list to only ten “must haves”, you will undoubtedly have to wrestle with some tough choices. Is age more important than interests? Would you give up financial security in exchange for a great personality? Your current life situation as well as your past will play a big part in creating this personal list that may include a number of “must haves” not even listed above. For example, if you are a scuba diving aficionado, this may end up on your list of “must haves”. In the end, you will end up with a list that will insure you get what you really must have (if you stick to it) without being so long that you eliminate too many potential mates.

A few weeks ago, I had some time to update my own lists that I first created five or so years ago. It was interesting to see how time, dating experiences, changes in my own life priorities and brutal honesty caused me to move a few “must haves” on to my top-ten list. For example, I have always had “physically fit” rather high on my list, but well-groomed/mannered never made it into the top ten before. As I pondered my lists and past relationships, I realized that being well-groomed/mannered was a higher priority than I’d wanted to admit (at the risk of sounding shallow!) and probably deserved a top-ten spot. To make room, I had to drop “healthy lifestyle,” but figured if anyone was physically fit they probably led a healthy lifestyle, too.

At the top of my list is “Spiritual Passion.” For me, this is the ultimate make-or-break issue. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to put something along the lines of shared faith at the top of your list, also. Being equally yoked spiritually is essential to building a solid relationship, but it can be very tempting to do “missionary dating” in the hopes that someone who has many attractive qualities will come to faith as he/she gets to know you. If someone is not a believer, the best thing you can do for him is to pray for him, not date him. Dating blurs the motivation behind behaviors…does your date go to church with you because she has a desire to get to know God better or to get to know you better? Even if someone does come to Christ, there will still be gulf of differences between you if you have been practicing your faith for any length of time. Put “ Committed to Christ” at the top of your list and don’t give in to the temptation to overlook this crucial “must have”.

Keep your “must have” list near at hand, in fact, memorize it! Know what you’re looking for and don’t settle for less than what you have already decided you must have. Anything less and you’ll be setting yourself up to be miserable. As you think through your list of imperatives in a relationship, you’ll probably also give some thought to those things that drive you crazy or that you simply can’t tolerate. Make note of them, because next week we’ll look at the second list Warren recommends singles make: the list of ten things you can’t stand in a relationship.

8/14/08

Making Your Lists

Last week I covered several steps to becoming a less desperate, more secure person who attracts healthier people into relationships. The last step was to decide what you’re looking for and what you won’t tolerate.

Do you know what you’re looking for in a dating relationship? Desperate people will settle for just about anyone who will have them. Their criteria for a relationship seem to be, “Does this person like me? Does he find me attractive?” Healthier singles tend to ask, “Do I like what I see in this other person? How does he measure up in terms of what I am looking for in a mate? Is there anything about her I simply couldn’t live with?” These questions are great, but only if you know ahead of time specifically what you’re looking for and what you won’t tolerate in a relationship.

Neil Clark Warren, in his book How to Know If Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less , suggest that singles make up two lists that will help guide them through the first few dates. These lists are to be adhered to without excuse, and only if a date passes the criteria of what’s on the lists should a third date be considered.

Next week I’ll go into more detail about what to put on what these lists, but first let me tell you why this method makes sense and will potentially spare you much heartache if you follow it.

First, do you realize you have the capability to fall in love with someone who is a poor match for you? Falling in love with the wrong person happens easily, especially when one is feeling desperate. Spending time with any person of the opposite sex, sharing intimate details, and/or touching can lead to a hormonal response that will induce strong feelings of infatuation that will cloud your thinking. This drug-induced state lasts from anywhere between 9 and 18 months. Unfortunately, many singles choose to marry within this time frame only to discover later that their relationship isn’t as wonderful as it initially felt. By utilizing these lists to screen out people in the first few dates, you won’t run the risk of bonding with someone who doesn’t have a pretty good chance of being a good match for you. My mother always told me not to date someone I knew I wouldn’t marry.

Second, the use of these lists keeps you free to date only people who have real potential to become a good mate. Any time you spend with the wrong person takes you out of the game for the right person. Do you really want to spend your time in a relationship that is headed in the wrong direction? Additionally, a good match may see you with someone who obviously isn’t a good fit for you and question your discernment (unless you wear a sign around your neck that says I’m only with this person because I am too desperate to be alone while I am waiting for the right person.)

In order for your lists to be effective, you must be secure enough to say no to poor matches and be willing to go for potentially long periods without a steady dating relationship. If this sounds too hard to do, you may still be in the desperate category. Go back and read last week’s email about becoming more secure and work through the listed steps.

Come back next week to learn how to build your two lists. With these lists in hand, you will have new confidence in the dating arena and will be increasing your odds of ending up with an excellent match!

8/7/08

Removing the Desperate D

From the many email responses I have received the past few weeks, it is apparent that many of us at one time or another struggle with feelings of desperation and have suffered the consequences of entering a relationship too quickly with the wrong person. In the past few weeks, I have discussed the dangers of coming across as desperate and some of the warning signs that might be a signal that you have a big D on your forehead (figuratively) that attracts the wrong type of people and scares healthier ones away.

How can someone remove the desperate D, and trade it in for a D that stands for dateable? Let me suggest several steps that will help alleviate feelings of desperation and that will attract healthier people into your life:

Get connected into community and stay there. Find a place to plug in where you are surrounded by a wide variety of people who will support and encourage you. Once you are part of that community, do not leave it for a dating relationship! The easiest way for a wolf to devour a sheep is to get it away from the pack. Bring any new “love interest” or other friend into the group rather than departing from it. Your friends will be able to help you see more clearly whether or not this person is suited to you and if their motives appear to be pure. Be very skeptical of anyone who is resistant to getting to know your friends and becoming part of your community. Someone who wants you to leave behind your support network is will probably try to control or manipulate you in some way. The most desperate singles I see are the ones who come and go within their group of friends; with each new dating partner they are sure they have found the one and then abandon their community of friends. Eventually they come crawling back, licking their wounds and asking for help trying to figure out what went wrong. What went wrong all started when they left their safe circle of friends.
Build some strong same sex friendships. Apart from having a community to be a part of, having a same sex friend with whom you share your deepest thoughts and feelings and who knows the details of your life will safeguard you against being too needy for connection with others. The value of having one or two intimate friends with whom you can share your frustrations and joys is immeasurable.
Develop your relationship with God. Study his word to read what he says about you. Our self-worth is independent of man’s opinion, but all too often we look to others to validate us and reassure us of our worth. Once we have come into right relationship with God through faith in what Jesus Christ accomplished on the cross for us, God accepts us as his children. There is nothing we can do to make God love us any more or any less. Coming to a deep understanding of his love for you, his plans for you, and his desire for you to lead and abundant life will bring a sense of peace that is an antidote to desperation.
Learn to set firm boundaries. As your sense of desperation diminishes, you will begin to protect yourself and those things most valuable to you: your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. Some of us need to learn how to do that, especially when we have spent years trying desperately to win others’ attention by giving in to their unhealthy demands. There are many excellent resources available to help you identify when your boundaries are being violated and what you can do to learn and practice good boundaries. Find them and put them to good use.
Decide what you are looking for in a relationship and what you won’t tolerate; then don’t settle for anything less simply to be with someone. Desperate people will take whatever they can get and often move from person to person. Those who are more discerning and trusting in God’s guidance are patient and willing to wait rather than settling for less than God’s best. Next week we’ll talk about how to make up your lists and why this is so important to do before you start dating.

7/31/08

The Desperate “D”

Last week I talked about an aroma other than the one mentioned in today’s Bible verse…the aroma of desperation. It is as though the desperate person has a letter “D” marked on his forehead that he is unaware of yet others easily see. Healthier singles back away from this desperation, but others may be eager to quickly engage with the desperate person for personal gain. All too often, singles who are desperate find themselves in friendships or dating relationships that are one-sided or somewhat abusive because their desperation keeps them from having good boundaries.
Do you have a “D” on your forehead? How can you know if you are giving off the desperation aroma? One or more of the following “red flags” may indicate that others see you as desperate:

Do you consistently do more for other people than they do for you?
Do you plan or manipulate circumstances in order to be around someone?
Do you have a history of dating or friendship relationships that occur far too quickly, only to find out later that the other person wasn’t who you thought he/she was?
When you have one date, do you begin to plan a wedding in your head?
Do you find yourself craving after the attention of people and being frustrated at not getting the attention you want?
Do you “give in” in order to make a bad relationship or friendship work rather than setting firm boundaries and risking losing the relationship
Do you immediately see an attractive person as the opposite sex as a potential date, or do you take time to get to know a person’s character first?

If you’ve answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, you may want to go to a trusted friend and ask for their input. If indeed you are coming across as desperate, you are probably extremely frustrated with the quality/quantity of your relationships. Are you ready for a change? Next week we’ll look at some steps you can take to change your “aroma” and take off the desperate letter “D”...or simply change it to “D” for dateable!

7/24/08

The Desperate “D”

Many singles who have been through a divorce say they feel like they walk around with a big letter “D” on their foreheads, as though their divorces have left them branded and separated from the rest of society. In time, as the feelings of shame that drive this phenomenon begin to subside, the feeling of wearing the divorce “D” tends to fade away.

There is another letter “D” that singles are often unaware of and which is far more dangerous to their well-being… the desperate “D”. The wearer of the desperate “D”, rather than feeling branded like the wearer of the divorce ”D”, doesn’t even know that she’s sporting a letter. Unfortunately, everyone else in the room can see the letter plain as day. And herein is where the danger lies. When a single advertises desperateness, two things can happen:

First, healthier singles flee from the anxious and clingy behavior of the desperate “D” wearer, leaving the wearer feeling even more rejected and desperate.
Second, less-well-intentioned singles see the “D” wearer as a person who will require little effort to win over as a friend or date. If/when irresponsible or cruel behavior follows, the desperate “D” might tolerate it in order to retain this new “friend”. Eventually, the “D” wearer feels used, abused, and alone again.

How do you know if you’re wearing a desperate “D”? And what should you do about it? Come back next week when I hope to share some insight with you…

7/17/08

Today’s verse comes from a passage in Samuel where God is telling Samuel how to choose whom to anoint as the new King of Israel. The sons of Jesse were paraded before him until the youngest, David, was sent for. Even though David was a handsome young man, it was his heart that was seen by God and it was his heart that made him fit to be King.

How often are we led astray by looking at a man’s or woman’s outward appearance instead of looking at his or her heart? Even Samson, one of the strongest men alive, fell due to his lust for the beautiful Delilah. He overlooked her scheming ways and manipulation, only to lose his strength and eyesight, and eventually his life.

How can we learn to look at men the way that God does and not be led astray by appearances? Discernment comes when we take the time to watch and pray rather than to be flattered by the attention of a “beautiful” person. Guarding our hearts mean we stop, look, and listen to any person we might have an interest in. Rather than letting on that you are interested, watch to see if the person’s behavior’s match their words. Is he or she truly walking in love toward others or are they self-seeking?

It can be hard to blind yourself to someone’s physical attractiveness, and unless you have a set of standards that you look for and are unwilling to compromise on, it may be impossible! Ask God to reveal the heart of others to you, and you may find someone who is even more “beautiful” in their core than they are externally. That is the kind of person you can trust with your treasures and with whom you can take the next step of exploring a dating relationship. Choose wisely as you look for your “king” or “queen”; look at the heart, not the appearance.

7/10/08

Ask any group of singles if they believe that God calls some people to a life of singlehood and the majority will answer, “Yes.” In fact, in a recent poll of Christian singles, 84% of them said they believe some people are called to be single. However, even though most singles agree that singleness could be a calling, the majority certainly don’t want it to be true for them!

Do we as Christians, believing that God has plans for us that are good, trust Him enough to say, “Your will, not mine…even if that means I am called to be single…(gulp) forever”? Even if we say it, far too few of us really demonstrate this level of trust. From the mouths of many, I hear singles proclaim trust in their Heavenly Father but at the same time doing all sorts of crazy things in an attempt to “find” someone to marry. We say we trust him, but then we turn around and act as if he doesn’t exist, trying to control who we meet and possibly date.

In light of today’s verse, I encourage you to embrace where you are today. If you are single, your call for today is to singleness. Instead of seeing this status as a dreaded stigma to shed, make the most of this time. As the verse says, “Live the life assigned to you”! Instead of bemoaning your fate and pouring time and energy into finding someone, spend the time God has given you to become the right someone. Ask God to show you where you could be serving Him; try a new hobby; extend your circle of friends. Leave your love story up to God…seek Him first and trust him to add a spouse to your life when He determines the time is right.

One last thought that I often tell singles – What if God is waiting for you to accomplish the purpose for which he created you before he sends your spouse? Get off your feet and get moving; make God your significant other and discover what he wants to show you as a single. Be OK with being single today and trust God with your tomorrows. He does have good plans for you, so get out of His way and give your single life to Him.

7/3/08

Jesus often taught using parables….stories about the kingdom of God that often took an unexpected turn. Surprising to the listeners of the day, we often miss the shocking twists because we lack an understanding of the culture and times during which Christ lived. The writers of MODERNPARABLES, our upcoming series at the singles gathering, have taken six of Christ’s parables and rewritten them in a way that imagines how Christ might have made the same points today about God’s kingdom with a story relevant to our culture. I encourage you to join us for this upcoming series of short movies, not just because your eyes will be opened as you learn more about what Christ was teaching, but also because these are well-made films that will stimulate some deep thought and discussion. The fun begins on Tuesday, July 15, 7 pm in Fairhaven’s basement.

6/26/08

Thank you for your response to our new email format; as you can see we heard your requests for larger font for easier reading…apparently I’m not the only one who is over 40 and becoming far-sighted.

This week our Bible verse is again from Paul’s letter to the Colossians. I thought it most appropriate for us to consider with a large outreach event on the horizon…our “Summer Fun” Singles Dance.

Our dances are some of the most enjoyable times we spend together, both serving and just plain enjoying a safe night out with hundreds of other singles. While you are having a good time dancing and socializing, I challenge you to remember Paul’s words to conduct yourselves wisely with outsiders and to make good use of your time with them. We will have many new guests joining us, and this may be the only opportunity we have to connect with them and welcome them to our community. Be on the lookout for unfamiliar faces, and “make the best use of time” by dedicating some of your evening to greet them with a smile and some light conversation. Spread the word about our Tuesday night singles’ gathering and our popular fellowship events. Invite a newcomer to join us at Delco for fireworks on July 4 or to come for a cup of coffee at “Singles Night at SAXBYS”. Your friendliness may help someone take the next step to getting connected with us and/or Christ.

Thank you all for serving and let’s have a fun dance party!

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